Día De Los Muertos: Top 5 Signs Technology Will Enslave Us

The machines will soon enslave us all. It’s not a prediction. It’s a guarantee. If you thought this was just a cute science fiction premise, think again.

Your own instincts will quickly confirm that we are walking towards a tech-fueled apocalyptic showdown, and, unfortunately, there is no turning back. Do you harbor a deep-seated desire to go postal on the copier at work, the one that seems to smirk at you, and insists on jamming right when you need it the most? Have you been the victim of Wii-fatigue, or even the dreaded Wii-njury? Have you walked into a pole while looking at your phone? Then you have suffered some examples of the machines’ subtle early strikes against humanity.

“The Matrix,” “The Terminator,” and “iRobot” (among countless other films) appear to be just classic examples of nerdy escapism — but little did we know these movies foreshadowed our doom. Here are the top 5 unmistakable signs that prove that the machines will rise, and despite our best efforts, will enslave us all — using our entrails to shield themselves against the post-apocalyptic elements (jagged ash, acid rain, radioactive smog, etc.).

1.) 1/3 of Americans Use Facebook In The bathroom

The sign of a crippling addiction is when it encroaches into the sanctity of the bathroom. Eat in the bathroom, you have a problem. Drink in the bathroom, you have a problem.

Use Facebook in the bathroom, the machines have you right where they want you – distracted by your friends’ status updates.

2.) Tech-Geniuses Turned Into Techno-Pimps

Sure, every product has its brilliant creator – but so did Frankenstein. Perhaps you remember how that worked out. But in our increasingly wired world where gadgets are fired out on an endless cycle, the brilliant creators become pitchmen on a hamster wheel – I’m looking at you Jobs.

Maybe now you can rest. These unparalleled minds come out and tap dance to build hype for the newest release – and a few months later there they are again. The newest tech must-have becomes obsolete while it’s in transit. Somewhere behind the curtain, impatient machines are snapping the whip, laughing.

3.) Amish On Cell Phones

Technology has become so tempting that even the Amish can’t say no. This can’t be a good sign. When the mighty Amish fall to the temptations of Fruit Ninja, God bless the rest of us.

4.) IBM’s Watson Crushes The Competition

In an impressive win, Watson – the IBM computer – creams the human competition. Watson’s $77,147 easily topped Jeopardy legends Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter who mustered a measly $24,000 and $21,600 respectively.  Watson went on to sleep with the wives of both competitors — just to let them know where they stood in the game of life. His baby sister Siri is currently on undermining the latest iPhone.

5.) 1 In 3 Relationships Begin Online?

While the specific numbers vary depending on who you ask, it’s obvious that online dating is no longer taboo. Oh, sure of course there’s a complicated algorithm that pairs people with their perfect match.

How gullible are we? We’ve given the enemy full control to select our partners. They’re pairing us off in ways that will genetically weaken any chance we might have when we go toe to cyborg toe in the final war for survival.

The neighbor’s kid has a ridiculously long torso and stubby arms. Coincidence? I think not.

The end is near.

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo