November 10th, 2011
Univision Planning Money-Saving Boob Cutbacks

Miami, Florida — Economic troubles have ransacked virtually every media outlet and have made budget slashing a necessary byproduct in boardrooms across the country. Countless long-respected newspapers and magazines have been threatened by or succumbed  to extinction. Powerhouse Spanish broadcast television network Univision has not been spared and is currently looking at ways to tighten its belt as the economy continues to endure difficult economic times — significantly affecting both ad revenue and, as a result, increasing stock holders desires that something be done already.

With a full 30% of production costs of Univision programming being spent on cleavage and cleavage-related expenditures, it quickly became a focal point of the game-plan for Chief Financial Officer Don Francisco (unexpected, I know), who commented that, “something’s got to give.” At this point in the interview, he shouted, “¿Y qué dice el publico?” to an empty room.

“There is a balance that we must fight to maintain. No one is denying this. People have expectations when they watch our programming. We have a boob quota, just like we have other things that our viewers expect. For instance, they expect programs where women play the disturbing roles of sexualized school girls and male comedians play perverted schoolboys,” an unidentified network source reported. “While the possibility of serious cuts has become highly contentious, we must maintain these quotas in order to remain a viable network.”

Sources claim that the network is experimenting with computer-generated boobs and with potentially running a hooter ticker-tape feed like some of the news and sports networks run scores and story summaries. “Male cleavage is definitely cheaper,” Don Franscisco argues. “When possible, we may use overweight men to supplement our boob count and keep costs down.”

When asked if it might be a good time to steer away from these misogynistic depictions of women and even produce more thoughtful content, our source laughed so hard that we had trouble getting back on track…and we eventually became frustrated and stopped trying.

Your humble and handsome servant —

El Guapo

[Photo By Brett Jordan]

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