Merry Christmas From Pocho Clos!

Pocho Clos here.

The holidays (at least the ones that really matter) are fast approaching and I would like to take the time to let you know how to put the merry back in your Christmas holiday season.  There is no need to hide your shame in the basement while all your relatives party it up upstairs eating your food and drinking your drinks.  Pocho Clos is here to jingle your bells and mistle your toes.

You cannot put a red ribbon on this kind of sage advice.

First of all, Pocho Clos appreciates all the help from all the Suburban Santas out there.  However, gift cards are tacky. You should simply give your loved ones cash. The reason why gift cards are so tacky is because they send the wrong message. Look, cash is taken everywhere and every time. Gift cards are a whole other beast because they specify the location where the card must be redeemed.

Just because I like dressing in crushed red velvet and hanging out with elves does not mean I frequent Bed, Bath and Beyond as much as you might think.  I hate standing in line trying to gauge inside my head, how many hand soaps I can afford with a $20 gift card.

Euros. Pesos. Dollars. EBT. It’s all good.

Secondly, we need to do something about the drinks. Arroz is fine. Atole is fine.  Rompope has a place in the celebration. Champurrado is often left out in the cold.  Even ponche creates those highlights of past Christmases when tias overindulge and end up calling their children and marriages a mistake.

This is why we need a nice champurrado so that everyone can have a sober Christmas.  Pocho Clos feels your pain, because I have a mother-in-law who tends to be on the upper echelon of social when it comes to ponche.  I have to sit there and listen to how my wife could have done better if she would have married the Easter Bunny.

Why do you think I spend the holidays delivering presents to all the little vatos and chiquillas out there?

I used to do the Western Hemisphere, come home and find my mother-in-law sitting on my armchair, eating my Bed, Bath and Beyond soaps and complaining how awful my candy tasted. Now I travel the globe, just to make sure she’s back at her own home by the time the reindeer are back in the garage.  I do not mind bringing smiles to most of the children of the world, because it gets my mind off things for a while.

Finally Pocho Clos is making his lists.  For all the good boys and girls, I have cold, hard cash. But there are a couple of bad eggs running around out there. Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Governor Jan Brewer, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and former Governor Pete Wilson, you are not on that list.

This year I will be leaving an expired gift certificate to Tower Records in your stockings because coal is simply too good for those guys. In addition, I am going to feed my reindeer some of my mother-in-law’s cooking so that they have the motivation to leave a little inspiration on your driveways.

Happy Holidays, you are going to need a bigger hose.

[Photo By fontplaydotcom]

Subscribe today!

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Must Read