Recently, El Guapo decided enough was enough and began a crusade that rivals any other in the course of human history. Unfortunately, the American Latino (Guatsupinus Cabronicus) is a species that finally tried El Guapo’s patience beyond the breaking point. While U.S. Latinos continue on a path toward dominance through procreation (50.5 million based on latest Census numbers), there is a serious thread of dissension within a small, yet significant segment of the population who refuse to comply and behave accordingly to the groupthink.
Latinos are, in fact, a monolithic group with monolithic opinions. This is just fact.
We like spicy food. We ride around in compact cars with our extended families and pile out like clowns at the circus. We spank our children with chanclas and extension cords and we get absurdly enthused when surrounded by vegetation because we can, like Edward Scissorhands, turn any nearby shrub into any whimsical object. Let this uniformity be known and spread far and wide.
Only through this homogeneous thinking can we move forward. Dissension is our enemy and it makes it harder to understand us and write trend pieces about us. Media outlets, news organizations need consensus from us — in fact, in many cases they’ve helped by providing a clear consensus for us. Some Latinos refuse to listen and insist that there are differences within this group; others are simply unaware of our many agreed-upon opinions.
So, El Guapo first decided to call each and every Latino in the U.S. and go through all of our opinions once and for all, but this proved very time-consuming. And, since many of you have had your phones disconnected, rather frustrating. Others were so in awe of speaking with El Guapo that the giddy squeals allowed for very little to get done. So, because El Guapo is a visionary, we will be holding monthly Latino conference calls beginning next month.
Now, it’s only a matter of coordinating a date and time that’s good for the 50 million of us in the United States. How’s Tuesday looking for you?
Your handsome and humble servant —
[Photo By mac_filko]