NewsTaco

Now that Tim Pawlenty has quit the race for the GOP presidential nomination, it serves to take a look at the anti-Latino rhetoric that’s still alive in the race. We’ve written previously about Pawlenty’s anti-Latino policies and quasi-racist video about immigrant terrorists.

There’s Rick Perry, who we wrote extensively last week when he announced his presidential ambitions has not been any kind of friend to Latinos in the state of Texas, especially when it comes to education, the economy, voter ID or law enforcement issues.

One of our contributors, El Guapo, wrote a satire about Michelle Bachmann’s ideas about immigrants, and then it turns out that she hates immigrants more than anyone else, according to a NumbersUSA poll. Finally we have Mitt Romney, who has Mexican roots, is anti-immigration, sometimes anti-Spanish but has no problem hiring workers without papers to mow his lawn.

It’s a rough terrain out there for conservative voters, I know I’m not alone in wishing that we had a more competitive field. Perhaps if we had real candidates talking about real issues, instead of simply pandering to particular segments of the electorate, we would get all our politicians to listen to voters instead of each other.

Follow Sara Inés Calderón on Twitter @SaraChicaD.

[Photo Courtesy Office of Governor Tim Pawlenty]

Michele Bachmann’s head literally explodes when asked about undocumented gay fetuses’ right to carry concealed weapons. She hates:

• Gays. (She hates them so much that she married one just to keep a closer eye on their sinister ways — that’s commitment!) Also, she wants voters to know that marriage is and will always be rigidly defined as a union between a woman and a very gay man.

• The undocumented.

• Welfare and government handouts. (That’s socialism she’ll have you know, and that’s unAmerican. The $251,973 in federal farm subsidies that she received between 1995 and 2006 doesn’t count, she’d like to clarify, because it didn’t go to the poor or minorities.)

• Gun control. Bachmann knows that guns don’t kill people — bullets piercing vital organs do.

• Abortion. Under any and all circumstances (She’s relatively certain that some of the world’s greatest people were once fetuses.)

Given these views, at a recent press conference she was asked how she felt about undocumented gay fetuses’ right to carry a concealed weapon. After sputtering for a while, her eyes rolled back into her head like a slot machine and she staggered around the stage muttering “Does not compute” until her head exploded on the group gathered before her.

Here is exclusive footage from the aforementioned news conference. We have yet to clarify why she was disguised as an Asian man, why a young Kurt Russell was in attendance, and who cleaned up the bits and pieces of gray matter.

In any event, El Guapo suspects Bachmann II , the cyborg-Bachmann that will be constructed from the left-over bits and pieces, will be superior to the original. Bachmann 2012.

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo

El Guapo writes the blog The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.

[Video By StupidCrappyVideos; Photo By MicheleBachmann.com]

In light of the ridiculous “report cards” issued by the anti-immigrant group NumbersUSA when it comes to immigration scorecards, I figured it would be good to respond in kind. The following is a scenario just about as silly as that of NumbersUSA awarding the president an F- as his score.

What do you think a little Barack Obama’s mother would have said if he had come home one evening and said “Mom I bombed a test! I made an F-!”

“An F-? How can anyone make an F-?”

“Wait mom! Only 12 of us took the test and there was a B-, and C+ and a C-. The rest of us got Ds and Fs. As a matter of fact four of us got Fs and five got Ds.”

“Sounds like a hard test or a bad teacher!” said mom. “So, who else got an F- besides yourself?”

“Just me.”

“Just you? Do you have any clue why you would be the only one getting such a low grade? Haven’t you been doing your homework? I told you to stop playing basketball after school and pay more attention to your work. You can’t be that dumb, son.”

“Aw mom. I got the grade because it was a pop quiz on immigration that was given to those of us who were supposed to have been developing research on this topic. The teacher decided to see where we were with our research so she gave us a test that was put together by a group called NumbersUSA who are interested in trying to reform immigration by getting the government to return to pre-1996 policies, whatever those were.”

“The teacher told all of us to take home a copy of the results so our parents could see where each of us stood in relation to our classmates.”

1. Michele Bachmann B-

2. Tim Pawlenty C+

3. Herman Cain C-

4. Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin D

6. Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, and Newt Gingrich D-

9. Rick Santorum, Gary Johnson, and Ron Paul F

12. Barack Obama F-

“Barack Obama, wait until your father comes home! I can’t believe that Michele and Sarah did better than you did. And that Herman Cain! I think he is just a teacher’s pet. By the way, I thought Newt had dropped out of school.

“And I didn’t know that Sarah had returned to class after her long family trip. And, by the way I didn’t know that Rick Perry had enrolled for this semester.

“Wait until your daddy sees these scores!”

Dr. Henry Flores is a professor of Political Science and Dean of the Graduate School at St. Mary’s University, in San Antonio, Texas.

[Photo By Facebook]