NewsTaco

Dear Martha,

I want to get back with my ex-girlfriend, but the day I went to tell her, she told me she was seeing someone else. I had a fit of jealousy, and since then she doesn’t talk to me or respond to my messages. It’s been two months and she’s the only thing I think about all day; not she says this guy is making her very happy.

The bigger problem is that my ex is also my best friend, that’s why the distance hurts me so much. I feel like I can’t live without her, I need her, and I’m willing to do anything for her to come back. I really love her.

— Desperately In Love

Dear Desperately In Love,

Your ex made her decision and you have to respect it. You need to learn to control your jealousy; more than love it appears you are obsessed with her, and that’s probably why she doesn’t want to be near you. The expression, “I’m willing to do anything for her to come back” is one that probably scares her and pushes her away more.

This does not speak highly of you and the fact that you are still pursuing her says two things about you: that you have emotional issues you need to resolve and you may be at risk of getting in trouble with the law.

You have to control your thoughts with respect to her and reflect on the fact that she’s not your property. You will never be her friend if you can’t control your possessive and controlling impulses. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t go our way, but this is an opportunity for you to move past that. Reflect and think about your own life, a healthy person has a lot to offer.

[Photo By Paul Stuart Iddon]

Dear Martha:

I haven’t been sleeping well lately for reasons due to my work schedule and my relationship. I’m a 30-year-old female professional, and my boyfriend, who’s 29, also works.

The problem is that I travel a lot for work and while I’m gone my boyfriend acts like he’s still single. He parties with his friends, hangs out at strip clubs, and even though he says that nothing happens, all of this still has me worried. He often goes with female friends to movies and for drinks, and I don’t know if this is normal or not.

I’m always gone and traveling for work and if you think I’m being jealous for no reason, please tell me. When I try to call him out on his behavior, he gets mad and won’t speak to me. This is very difficult for me because I don’t have a lot free days to see him, and I feel that our time is wasted with stupid fights.

In the end, I always end up asking his forgiveness so that he’ll come back.

— The Bachelor’s Girlfriend

Dear Bachelor’s Girlfriend:

I don’t believe that your boyfriend has the same beliefs and values as you when it comes to being in a relationship, let alone the same expectations as you. You want to have a serious relationship and loving commitment, while he seems like a teenager who does what he wants.

I have a few questions for you: Why do you beg him to stay? He creates fights to distance himself, basically saying that he does not want to be with you. How does his behavior make you feel on a day-to-day basis? Do you really think you deserve to be treated this way? Do you think he’ll ever be able to give you the commitment that you need?

What do you need to regain your self-esteem? When you let him keep hurting you, you let him have the power in the relationship. Deciding not to let him continue to humiliate and hurt you anymore is your decision. You have the power to choose.

— Martha

Dear Martha,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years; the relationship has been very unstable, we break up and get back together all the time. We have formalized our engagement and are planning to marry in May.

My surprise was that, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he told me he didn’t want to marry me. He ended the relationship and said he didn’t care about everything that we had together.

I’m desperate because I want to convince him to come back and reflect, but I haven’t told anybody about it. I just pretend like nothing happen, because I hope that we will get back together and still get married.

I’m depressed and sad and I don’t know how to convince him, any advice?

— Waiting To Marry

Dear Waiting To Marry,

I’m sorry to hear what is happening to you, I think you should listen very closely to what he is telling you: he no longer wants to get married. And even though it’s very hard for you to deal with, you have to do it.

This isn’t about trying to convince him to marry you, or begging him to stay, it’s about you needing to understand that he doesn’t want a lifelong commitment. Be honest and cancel everything.

With time, you will understand the reason that he wanted to leave. If in a marriage one person has doubts, it’s probable that soon both parties will be headed towards a divorce.

You need to recuperate your self esteem, reinforce your dignity and accept that not everything in life is the way you want it to be. Recuperate your energy and strength and stop begging someone who doesn’t want to be with you. The best thing is for you to learn to love yourself, and learn this painful lesson now, because you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself, if not with your ex-fiancé.

— Martha

[Photo By gcardinal]

According to a recent study published by the Pew Research Center, intermarriage is on the rise. In 2010, 15% of all marriages in the U.S. were by people who married outside of their race or ethnicity.  Out of all couples in the U.S., regardless of when they married, 8.4% are a different ethnicity or race, an all-time high.

The report shows that Asians have the highest rates of intermarriage, a little more than three-times that of whites, with 28% and 9% respectively.  Latinos are second marrying out with 26% with blacks at 17%. Gender patterns vary depending on background:

About 24% of all black male newlyweds in 2010 married outside their race, compared with just 9% of black female newlyweds. Among Asians, the gender pattern runs the other way. About 36% of Asian female newlyweds married outside their race in 2010, compared with just 17% of Asian male newlyweds. Intermarriage rates among white and Hispanic newlyweds do not vary by gender.

The West leads the nation in intermarriage:

About one-in-five (22%) of all newlyweds in Western states married someone of a different race or ethnicity between 2008 and 2010, compared with 14% in the South, 13% in the Northeast and 11% in the Midwest.

Attitudes about intermarriage have also changed.  Over one-third of Americans have a family member or close relative who married out, and 63% of those polled said it “would be fine” with intermarriage in their family.  Two decades ago, 28% did not approve of any mixed marriages, 37% said it was fine for others, though not for themselves, and only 33% viewed it as acceptable for anyone.

Has it been better for society? The results show that a little under one-half (44%) of Americans say it has made no difference, 43% say it’s changed the country for the better, and 11% think it’s been worse.  Among those who tend to see intermarriage in a positive light are minorities, younger adults, the college-educated, and those who live in the Northeast or the West.

[Photo By shannonyeh.photography]

That little love scamp Latino Cupid presents his special Valentine’s Day cards for tough times. As they say around here, Happy Valentimes Day! Catch more of Latino Cupid’s escapades around this time every year at La Cucaracha, the nationally-syndicated comic strip by Pocho’s Jefe-In-Chief Lalo Alcaraz. Sign up for free La Cucaracha comics daily at GoComics.

Everyone’s favorite holiday is approaching, that’s the “Show me you still care with a public display of I still matter to you” Day. Some people still refer to it as Valentine’s Day. The day where the women in our lives are pandered to, though we take them for granted during the other 364 days of the year. Well ladies, it is a leap year, so you better make that 365 days.

I am one of the hopeless males you have come to accept with a sigh and a shake of your head — you know the type. We want you to feel special so we will take our iPhones and translate a Pablo Neruda poem to English that we can only hope you are not familiar with, so we can pass it off as our own. Next, we will regale you with flowers bought from shady websites that will later steal our identities and use them to apply for countless credit cards. Well, the joke is on them — because my credit was already ruined. The finishing touch is usually a handmade dinner that tastes just like King Taco, but we swear up and down that it’s a recipe that goes back to our great-great-great-great abuelita.

Look, I know I am a caveman but I have not read up on what kind of caveman I am. I might not have the adequate upper body strength to be a hunter, or the botanical knowledge to make a proper salad, but I try to try. It used to be so much easier when I was a kid: if you liked someone, you gave them a Batman or Superman valentine; if you did not like someone, you stuck them with an Aquaman or Green Lantern valentine. Gabriela Estar and Julia Valencia always got the Batman cards, I would save them for last and write a personal greeting in red pen.

I challenge Pablo Neruda to come off with something like that.

Nowadays, valentines are too politically correct. No one wants to hurt anybody else’s feelings, and they all sound like permission slips to be friends.  Batman must have succumbed to the complications of his reckless lifestyle because he has been replaced by brand name fads and product placement. I would be placated to find one Simpsons’ “I Choo-choo-choose You” card.

The bottom line is that I’m trying to be romantic, but it does not come easy because all the people I want to be romantic with do not wish to be romantic with me. Simply put, the valentines do not have the magic they once used to.  Oh Batman, this lonely nation and I turn our eyes to you, as I log in to freeflowerz.kenya.org to buy flowers. I wonder why they need my banking information.

[Photo By andertoons]

From the U.S. Census Bureau

Expressing one’s love to another is a celebrated custom on Valentine’s Day; whereby sweethearts and family members present gifts to one another, such as cards, candy, flowers and other symbols of affection.

Opinions differ as to who was the original Valentine, but the most popular theory is that he was a clergyman who was executed for secretly marrying couples in ancient Rome.

In A.D. 496, Pope Gelasius I declared Feb. 14 as Valentine Day. Esther Howland, a native of Massachusetts, is given credit for selling the first mass-produced valentine cards in the 1840s. The spirit continues today with even young children exchanging valentine’s cards with their fellow classmates.

Candy

1,177

Number of U.S. manufacturing establishments that produced chocolate and cocoa products in 2009, employing 34,252 people. California led the nation in the number of chocolate and cocoa manufacturing establishments, with 135, followed by Pennsylvania, with 111.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, County Business Patterns: 2009

409

Number of U.S. establishments that manufactured nonchocolate confectionary products in 2009. These establishments employed 16,974 people. California led the nation in this category, with 45 establishments.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, County Business Patterns: 2009

$12.6 billion

Total value of shipments in 2009 for firms producing chocolate and cocoa products. Nonchocolate confectionery product manufacturing, meanwhile, was a $7.4 billion industry. Source: U.S. Census Bureau, 2009 Annual Survey of Manufactures

3,386

Number of confectionery and nut stores in the United States in 2009.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, County Business Patterns

24.7 pounds

Per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2010.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Current Industrial Reports, Confectionery: 2010

Flowers

$375 million

The combined wholesale value of domestically produced cut flowers in 2010 for all flower-producing operations with $100,000 or more in sales. Among states, California was the leading producer, alone accounting for more than three-quarters of this amount ($286 million). Source: USDA National Agricultural Statistics Service

$17 million

The combined wholesale value of domestically produced cut roses in 2010 for all operations with $100,000 or more in sales.
Source: USDA National Agricultural Statistics Service

17,124

The number of florists nationwide in 2009. These businesses employed 75,855 people.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, County Business Patterns

Jewelry

24,973

Number of jewelry stores in the United States in 2009. Jewelry stores offer engagement, wedding and other rings to couples of all ages. In February 2011, these stores sold $2.27 billion in merchandise.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, County Business Patterns Monthly Retail Trade and Food Services

“Please Be Mine”

2.1 million

The number of marriages that took place in the United States in 2009. That breaks down to nearly 5,800 a day.
Source: National Center for Health Statistics,

108,150

The number of marriages performed in Nevada during 2009. So many couples tie the knot in the Silver State that it ranked fifth nationally in marriages, even though its total population that year among states was 35th. (California ranked first in marriages.)
Source: National Center for Health Statistics,
and population estimates.

28.7 and 26.5 years

Median age at first marriage in 2011 for men and women, respectively.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Families and Living Arrangements: 2011

53.1%

The overall percentage of adults who reported being married.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Families and Living Arrangements: 2011

69%

Percentage of people 15 and older in 2011 who had been married at some point in their lives — either currently or formerly.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Families and Living Arrangements: 2011

74.5%

Among women who married for the first time between 1990 and 1994, the percentage who marked their 10th anniversary. This compares with 83 percent of women who married for the first time between 1960 and 1964.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009

6.2%

As of 2009, the percentage of currently married women who had been married for at least 50 years. A little more than half of currently married women had been married for at least 15 years.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009

Looking for Love

393

The number of dating service establishments nationwide as of 2007. These establishments, which include Internet dating services, employed 3,125 people and pulled in $928 million in revenue.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, 2007 Economic Census

Giving Love a Second Chance

19%

Percentage of people married twice as of 2010. Five percent have married three or more times. By comparison, 75 percent of people who have ever been married have made only one trip down the aisle.
Source: 2010 American Community Survey

8

Median length, in years, of first marriages that ended in divorce.
Source: Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009

3.8 and 3.7

The median time in years between divorce and a second marriage for men and women, respectively.
Source: Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009

9% and 8%

Among people 15 and older in 2009, the percentage of men and women, respectively, who had married twice and were still married.
Source for the data in this section, unless otherwise noted: Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009

[Photo By ButterflySha]

When I taught a love literature class a few years ago, to a class comprised entirely of young college girls, I assigned stories and essays about various forms of love. Complaints emerged that texts I was assigning were not about love at all, when in reality the texts I had chosen were not about heterosexual romantic relationships.  I tried to explain to them that love was manifested in all forms, but they were not having it. They wanted to read sexy tales between men and women and I had let them down. Personally, I have a really hard time being romantic in the clichéd sense: diamond commercials make me shudder, romantic comedies make me want to light something on fire. I have asked my boyfriend to please promise he wouldn’t get on one knee if he proposed, because it I think it’d make me puke on the inside.

I don’t know why I’m like this. There are also parts of my personality that aren’t at all conventionally feminine. There is not a dainty bone in my body. I had to be resilient growing up, so I guess became a pretty tough broad, so I can’t get past prescribed romance and faux chivalry. That is not to say that I don’t appreciate romance that is not pukey; one of the nicest moments of my life was when my boyfriend and I were stuck at home during a blizzard and we sat in the dark listening to the thunder snow. See, I don’t hate love! But when I see saccharine tomfooleries taken straight from romantic comedies that star the vapid Jennifer Aniston, I can’t help but grimace.

The problem is our society’s obsession with heteronormative relationships, seen on shows like “The Bachelor” in which catty women compete for the affection of a prized unctuous prig:

• Women, you are worthless if you are not paired up with a man.
• Your sole purpose in life is to marry some dude and crank out his babies.
• You should also expect expensive blood diamonds because DeBeers says so.
• You should be treated like a frail, hemophiliac princess.
• If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you will eventually die alone in your home with your cats who might begin eating your face because no one notices that you are dead.

Though I love my boyfriend very much, our relationship is not enough to sustain me spiritually — there is so much more to love than romance. Like most normal people, I deeply value my relationships with friends and family. I am often so filled with love that I feel like I’m bursting at the seams like a tightly encased sausage. I love writing more than I can even explain. I love literature. I love art. I love music. I love this taco I’m eating. I love nature. I love humanity. I love beauty so much that sometimes I get so overwhelmed by a freaking a tree branch that my chest literally aches (see, I am romantic). Hell, I even love Kermit the frog and entire cast of Muppets, for that matter. And lastly, I love myself, despite our culture’s insistence that I don’t.

The overall message I was trying to communicate to that class is: romantic relationships don’t have to occupy the center of our world. There is more to life than stories with sexy results. Love is not always necessarily about boinking. The literature I was teaching was about love. Because really, what the hell isn’t?

[Photo By Sister72]

By Eres Nerd

The approach of St. Valentine’s signifies the annual season where Latino nerds across los Estados Unidos discover Pablo Neruda. Like Christian using Cyrano De Bergerac, Neruda becomes a proxy for many Latino nerds in expressing their love for another.

In the years without a novia, St. Valentine’s Day was not a big holiday for me, since I focused being a nerd and doing nerdy things. Despite being a nerd, it was soon my turn to face the Latino the rite of passage in discovering Neruda, the Chilean poet-turned-prominent diplomat. He was primarily famous for writing love poetry — he wrote about love, but not simply the love between people. He wrote of the love of culture, of nations, and the love of simple things. Neruda shows this contrast in the poems “The Heights of Machu Picchu” that celebrates the Incan culture and my personal favorite, “Oda a Mi Traje,” which as I grow older, makes me appreciate under-appreciated things in my life.

My memory fails me now the exact reasons and the place where Neruda entered my life. I do remember the book. It was “20 Poemas de Amor y Una Canción Desperada/20 love poems and A Song of Despair.” It was an epiphany. The Spanish was flawlessly beautiful and devastatingly expressive. Poema 15 from that collection has the verse, “Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante,” which is just brilliant. I wondered who inspired such adoration and affection. Would I ever feel that way about someone? Could I ever write that well?

With Neruda as a starting point, I read other great Latin American poets, such as Mario Benedetti, Jaime Sabines, and Efraín Huerta. All have expanded and deepened my appreciation of my native language, español. Of course, life is not always great, so I thank my English literature classes for exposing me to Sylvia Plath and Charles Bukowski. I have not kept up with modern poets, apart from my fellow NewsTaco columnist Oh Hells Nah and Jay-Z.

For all the uncomfortable nerds standing before the poetry shelves, below is a quick primer on Pablo Neruda’s works. Most of his poetry books have the poems both in English and Spanish versions on opposite pages.

1. “20 Poemas de Amor y Una Canción Desperada/20 love poems and A Song of Despair” was Neruda’s first prominent work and an easy introduction to his style.
2. “Los versos del Capitán/The Captain’s Verses” is my personal favorite. The downside to this book was Neruda’s Newt Gingrich-like behavior when writing it; dating a woman, he later married, while still married to another woman.
3. “Cien Sonetos de Amor/100 Love Sonnets” is his most well known book, and there are 100 love poems, which become overwhelming after sixty-fifth one. In addition, it has a very pink cover which matches any St. Valentine’s day décor.
4. “Odas a Cosa Comunes/Odes to Common Things” is Neruda’s effort to state that an common thing still deserves love.
5. “Il Postino/The Postman” is a 1994 Italian movie about a postman, who delivers Neruda’s mail while he was living off the coast of Italy, and like many Latino nerds, using it to attempt the object of his affection. And the movie has a very good soundtrack where famous celebrities, including Madonna, recite Neruda’s poetry.

Colorín Colorado, read poetry, love, and be happy.

Eres Nerd lives a nerdy life in the borderlands of Estados Unidos and Mexico. Follow him on Facebook or on Twitter @ElEresNerd.

[Video By carotatiana; Photo By Freddy Agurto Parra]

Dear Martha:

I’m a successful professional but my partner is always in and out of different jobs. His lack of ambition is extremely frustrating to me. What should I do?

-Reluctant Breadwinner

Dear Reluctant Breadwinner:

You really need to reflect on your relationship. Why did you choose to be with someone under such circumstances? Are there other areas of your life he complements?

And if he were to remain the same way, would you continue the relationship?  Or are you really waiting for him to commit to something and solve the problem?

If you’re waiting for him to make a change on his part, it may never happen. If, on the other hand, you think that you could handle the responsibility of taking care of both of you, go ahead, you must truly be in love.

Above all, consider whether or not you could continue this way for the rest of your life. The only person that you can change is yourself.

[Photo By  slworking2]

Dear Martha:

I’m 32 and all of my friends are getting married.  I’m depressed because I feel like I’ll never find a boyfriend. All I do is work and then go home. Can you help me?

- Hopeless and Single

***

Dear Hopeless and Single:

What you need to realize is that you matter as an independent person whether or not you have a boyfriend. Focus on strengthening yourself as an individual and your self-esteem.  Start by developing activities that make you feel good.

Society and culture have conditioned people to believe that women can only be complete and happy if they are in a relationship.  But what do you think about yourself? What dreams and personal projects have you not yet completed? What do you think about women who aren’t in a relationship? If your depression continues, please get help.

[Photo By Michelle Brea]

Dear Martha:

I’m a mother who suspects that her daughter likes women.

What type of specialist can you recommend that I can send her to in order to be cured?

—Hopeful for a Cure

***

Dear Hopeful for a Cure,

I recommend that you speak openly with your daughter and ask her about her sexual preferences. As her mother, it is important for you to have good communication with her, and furthermore, that she feels accepted and understood.

But, the answer is “no” if your question is: “Can I cure her?” Your daughter does not have an illness, rather a sexual preference different from yours, in which you will need guidance to accept and appreciate who she is.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter, other than that she is not accepted and rejected by her mother, which is a serious emotional problem that she’ll have to live with.

[Photo By Marco Gomes]

There are no perfect relationships. What exists are couples that are healthy, or couples that are conflict–laden. What makes the two different is the commitment they have to making the relationship work.

If you have a partner and, when things go wrong, you suffer, you argue, you feel jealous, or hurt, it is because  you are not in a healthy and happy relationship. Before blaming the other person for the things that are not working within the relationship, you first have to ask yourself: What am I doing wrong  to prevent things from working?

When you are clear what mistakes you are making, you have to correct them for the relationship to change. If things do not change you need to ask yourself: Why  do I think I deserve to be treated  this way?  And that’s how you can figure out the reason why you stay in a relationship that is not loving.

A relationship that is loving differs from others because there is communication, commitment, projects and activities that are shared, there’s consideration for the welfare of the other person,  it’s fun and  the couple manages to reach agreement. You only need to remember that: all people who come to us come to teach lessons, some only stay a while and leave, others arrive to be companions on the journey called life.

[Photo By Nina Matthews Photography]

Throughout my adult life, I’ve had some fairly difficult friendships with women, although I truly wish it weren’t this way. I always want to be friends with women, and of course, I have had successful friendships with several; however, female friendships can often be fraught with so many complications. Consequently, I’ve come up with a few conclusions.

I have previously written about misogynistic women and how they are so prevalent because our culture pits us against each other. We are taught to compete. We are taught to criticize each other. We are taught to break each other down. Some of us escape this, though, we are able to sort through all the garbage fed to us and treat each other like human beings. I will dare say that these women are not that common. This is the reason why the term “frenemy” is so ubiquitous.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been a recipient of a snarky, passive-aggressive, or just plain aggressive comments about my body, skin, hair, clothes, and even my ladyparts (yes, you read that right.) Because women are taught to be insecure, of course, many will take that insecurity out on you—  particularly if you are confident.

Obviously, it’s easy to see right through it. Since I have no desire to hurt people’s feelings because of my own inadequacies, I have been sincerely astounded every time I’ve been unfairly criticized (i.e. “Your skin looks gross. ” “Is that really what you’re wearing?” “I can’t believe he dated you when he was really in love with me”, etc. There are worst ones, but I will leave it at that).

The mistake I’ve made over the years is to tenaciously cling to these friendships. I really value relationships and try my best to cultivate them, so against my better judgement, I would forgive these kinds of transgressions and tried to focus on good qualities. As I get older, however, I realize that I’m tired of being treated this way. The world does enough to try to stomp on my spirit. Every day, the media tells me that I’m not thin enough, that I’m weird-looking, that I’m overall aesthetically deficient.

As a Latina, sometimes I’m told that I’m am an unintelligent whore. Everything around us tells us that we are lacking in this, that, or the other. If I fight against this every day, why  would I tolerate this from a friend?

It took me many years, but I’ve finally learned to just cut these kinds of people out of my life. I’ve worked really hard to be able to like myself despite our culture’s efforts to make women feel like garbage. And I’m proud that I’ve devoted my life to developing my intelligence and writing. I don’t have the desire nor the energy to be belittled for the sake of someone’s ego.

[Photo By dee <3]