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The machines will soon enslave us all. It’s not a prediction. It’s a guarantee. If you thought this was just a cute science fiction premise, think again.

Your own instincts will quickly confirm that we are walking towards a tech-fueled apocalyptic showdown, and, unfortunately, there is no turning back. Do you harbor a deep-seated desire to go postal on the copier at work, the one that seems to smirk at you, and insists on jamming right when you need it the most? Have you been the victim of Wii-fatigue, or even the dreaded Wii-njury? Have you walked into a pole while looking at your phone? Then you have suffered some examples of the machines’ subtle early strikes against humanity.

“The Matrix,” “The Terminator,” and “iRobot” (among countless other films) appear to be just classic examples of nerdy escapism — but little did we know these movies foreshadowed our doom. Here are the top 5 unmistakable signs that prove that the machines will rise, and despite our best efforts, will enslave us all — using our entrails to shield themselves against the post-apocalyptic elements (jagged ash, acid rain, radioactive smog, etc.).

1.) 1/3 of Americans Use Facebook In The bathroom

The sign of a crippling addiction is when it encroaches into the sanctity of the bathroom. Eat in the bathroom, you have a problem. Drink in the bathroom, you have a problem.

Use Facebook in the bathroom, the machines have you right where they want you – distracted by your friends’ status updates.

2.) Tech-Geniuses Turned Into Techno-Pimps

Sure, every product has its brilliant creator – but so did Frankenstein. Perhaps you remember how that worked out. But in our increasingly wired world where gadgets are fired out on an endless cycle, the brilliant creators become pitchmen on a hamster wheel – I’m looking at you Jobs.

Maybe now you can rest. These unparalleled minds come out and tap dance to build hype for the newest release – and a few months later there they are again. The newest tech must-have becomes obsolete while it’s in transit. Somewhere behind the curtain, impatient machines are snapping the whip, laughing.

3.) Amish On Cell Phones

Technology has become so tempting that even the Amish can’t say no. This can’t be a good sign. When the mighty Amish fall to the temptations of Fruit Ninja, God bless the rest of us.

4.) IBM’s Watson Crushes The Competition

In an impressive win, Watson – the IBM computer – creams the human competition. Watson’s $77,147 easily topped Jeopardy legends Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter who mustered a measly $24,000 and $21,600 respectively.  Watson went on to sleep with the wives of both competitors — just to let them know where they stood in the game of life. His baby sister Siri is currently on undermining the latest iPhone.

5.) 1 In 3 Relationships Begin Online?

While the specific numbers vary depending on who you ask, it’s obvious that online dating is no longer taboo. Oh, sure of course there’s a complicated algorithm that pairs people with their perfect match.

How gullible are we? We’ve given the enemy full control to select our partners. They’re pairing us off in ways that will genetically weaken any chance we might have when we go toe to cyborg toe in the final war for survival.

The neighbor’s kid has a ridiculously long torso and stubby arms. Coincidence? I think not.

The end is near.

Your handsome and humble servant —

El Guapo

[Photo by lrargerich,  osseous,  Danny Novo, inkiboo's photostream]

A few weeks into online dating and the plot thickens. I have received emails, winks and invitations for drinks and dinner. Not too familiar with the etiquette of the game, I went online to look for road rules to find out how to navigate through this dating process and how to interpret “winks” and emails. Here are a few I gathered from several online dating bloggers:

• Keep your profile short and to the point.
• Have a screen name that describes your appearance — men are visual creatures after all. “Ravishing Redhead” and “Petite Italian” are examples of screen names that show off your best physical assets, without sounding trampy.
• Wait 24 hours to respond to an email. Anything earlier than that will sound too desperate.
• List your exact body type and your age. It won’t be so awkward when you meet face to face.
• Put up a current picture of yourself. Don’t use pictures from different stages in your life. Guys will think there is more than one of you. But do post several current pictures. Remember, men are visual creatures.
• Winks from men are not okay. It’s like getting whistled at on the street. Winks from women are okay, though.

I only posted two current, pictures of myself. One is an arms-length, self-portrait and the other is one of me in a casual t-shirt and shorts. Even though I wrote my bio before I read the rules, I seem to have gotten it right. My bio is short, focusing on physical attraction, honesty, a sense of humor and the fact that I’ll eat pretty much anything and will enjoy most eating establishments.

I wish I could have read the rule on screen names first before posting mine. My screen name does not come close to generating any visual image of my appearance. If anything, it depicts a cartoon character from long ago of a little girl with dark-haired ringlets. It was an attempt to get as far away from my real name as possible. I was truthful about my age and body type. Pictures don’t lie and a very long time ago, I lied about my age to a younger date and got caught when the waiter carded me. I’ve never answered to “winks.” They are as bad as “pokes” on Facebook.

The rule on emails, also advises me to write back to those men that are actually responding to the details of my bio and not just giving me the old generic, blanket “shout out.” Example of a generic “hello”, email I received:

“Hello, Your profile caught my eye. Please let me know if you are interested in meeting for a drink, dinner or coffee.”

This “paste and copy” invitation, is going into the “wait past a gazillion hours,” waste folder. Similarly, the following is an unsolicited dinner invitation from a gentleman who misinterpreted my dining preferences on my bio:

“Hello, I hope you don’t mind but I arranged for reservations for two at CheZ Burger King for us at 9ish. My limo will be picking you up and the master chef is preparing a special dish of onion rings for us…mmmmmm :)”

Here’s another man who was attentive enough to read the part of my bio regarding what I thought was attractive in a man and is hoping I modify my requirements.

“Is it possible to grade on a sliding curve on first impressions…I’m not too attractive, not the smartest…wit not too sure about that…but I am humble….lol my attempt at humor..”

These examples are no different than what anyone often comes across during a face-to-face awkward overture. For many, it’s just as hard online than in person when trying to create a first, good impression. A lot of these men and women are putting their souls and hearts out there in search of true love. Many of the profiles I’ve read and some of the emails I’ve received are very good. But you don’t really know what you’re getting until you see the real thing.

I received a nice email from a gentleman who seemed attractive in his picture and had a decent profile. In his picture, he’s a young-looking, 54-year-old, man with blondish hair and nice blue eyes. He is successful in his job and humble in his words. We end up exchanging interesting emails, and phone calls, and decide to meet for drinks at a public place.

The night of our date, I walk into the crowded bar/restaurant and it takes me a while to spot my date. From a distance I see someone waving at me. I squint. It’s a man with more grey than blond. I realize it’s my date. “Wow!” I think. “Slightly different.” As I get closer to him I also realize he’s not the 5 feet 10 inch height he gave on his bio. Maybe he used to be 5’10”, when he was younger? Awkward!

I say hello and he seems nervous. We begin to small talk and I notice a slight clicking sound coming from his mouth. “Does he have nervous tic!” I begin to plan my exit. A little more into our conversation he lets out this hacking cough. “Are you okay?” I say. I remember he said he wasn’t a smoker on his bio. He coughs again. Then I remember he did say he was a cigar aficionado… emphasis on “aficionado.”

Our conversation is not bad but after a few more minutes, I lie and say I have to go because my sitter can’t stay too late. As we say goodbye, he says, “I’ll call you,” and gives me an awkward hug. I begin to get the feeling I will never hear from him again. “What just happened?” I say to myself. “Did I just get blown off? I wasn’t the one coughing up a lung.” I remember that shortly before I left to meet him, I had taken a B-complex vitamin, which usually makes me very chatty and energetic. “Could that have been it? I was too much for him?” I’m actually relieved, but confused. I guess he turned out to be a slightly older 54 year-old man for me, and I ended up being a too-energetic 40-something woman for him.

You live and learn. I’m going to have to go back and re-read the rules and make up some of my own. As I’ve said before, I have had very nice dates through online dating, but I enjoy writing about the anomalies of the process because they are more interesting and we are all human after all, as well as very fallible creatures when searching for love.

[Screenshot By eHarmony]

After a few years of consideration, I have ventured into the world of online dating. All my experiences in dating prior to this decision happened many years ago and had been face-to-face meetings before the first date. I was much younger and everyone was single. You know, you meet at a bar or party, or through a friend, small talk, a few laughs then exchange numbers after a few sips of liquid courage. Not very scientific, but it was an easy way to gage an instant physical attraction, or perceived one, between two people.

That has all changed now. I am older and wiser with more at stake than just my heart. And I live in the suburbs where everyone here comes in a family unit. Singles are a rare sighting. I go out with my girlfriends for dinner and wine, but the last thing I want to do now is find romance in a bar. The pitfalls are greater. You can miss a lot in the dim lighting of a bar when sizing up a middle-aged man.

• Too many age lines.
• Bloodshot eyes from too much drink.
• Their real reason for being there.
• The tan line on a finger showing a missing wedding band.

Oh yeah! Dating is so much easier now that I’m older.

Enter the cupid of our modern era: online dating. At a friend’s suggestion and a promising TV ad showing an embracing happy couple, I decided to cast my net out into the sea of cyberspace in search of a “good catch.” So far, the experience has been quite amusing, interesting and promising. I’m like a kid in a candy store.

I have signed up with Match.com and EHarmony. For $39 a month, anonymity and from the comfort of my own home, I can checkout numerous men without even getting dressed up and going out. I can find out what they like, their hobbies, their income level, what god they pray to, how many kids they have and what their preferences are in women. From their pictures, I can scrutinize their faces, hairline, smiles and physiques without making them uncomfortable. This is where the playing field evens out between the sexes. We all get a chance to be scrutinized, courted and turned down for the same price.

There are various ways to express your interest in someone on these sites. You can send them a “wink,” “like” their picture or mark them as “favorite.” You can send them an email, or imply and interest in their profile. The first time I responded to a “wink” I thought I was making a lifetime commitment. I’m more relaxed about those overtures now. A “wink” is just a wink. As in live meetings, the first impression is always the visual. I have to admit that there are many good-looking men on this sight. At least their pictures imply so. Then, there are the guys who need a 101 on uploading the image that says, “I’m worth a try. Keep reading.”

• First piece of advice: Do not post a picture of yourself with the bathroom tiles of your bathroom and your towel rack in the background. And please, put a shirt on.
• Second: Make sure you place the camera away from your face as you try to shoot your reflection through the mirror.
• Third: I appreciate your honesty in showing me your love handles through the thinness of your super tight shirt but, it’s too much information too soon.
• Fourth: One picture of you from ten years ago is not going to do it. “I want the truth.” More pictures are better than one. Smiles are good too.
• Fifth: Make sure you are not wearing “dad shorts” or “dad pants” that sit too high on your waist. Yes, we women look at that too.
• Fifth: Pictures of you at various partying locations with different women flanking you is not going to inspire me to want to be in the picture.

For those men who have awesome workout bodies, I don’t need to see all of the muscles in your body at once. There is no need to use a speedo to display your “confidence.” It leaves very little to the imagination. Most endearing are pictures of dads with their kids; yes they do tug at the heart- strings. You guys know what you’re doing. These are my personal evaluations. There is someone for everyone. I am sure that my profile is, at this very moment being scrutinized. That is a concept I am going to have to become more comfortable with.

I have waded cautiously, as we should all do, into this cyber world of dating. I have gone out on a couple of dates and they have been nice experiences. Mostly, I do more browsing than dating. But it’s a great window-shopping experience.

[Image By Iconspedia]

By Elaine Dove

I’m a tall, half Asian woman. I’m a performing artist and a healer. I dance in nightclubs, as well as talk to people about their problems. I have tattoos. I dress in black and chrome a lot. I’m Buddhist. I speak Texan fluently. All of these could be qualifying or disqualifying factors depending on who you’re talking to in the online dating world. All of this swirls together into a bewildering racial and cultural stew that defies straightforward presentation.

Like most people I’ve tried online dating a few times, making brief tours through Match and OKCupid. My profiles — articulate, lengthy, permeated with Mick Jagger and M.I.A. videos, and the requested variety of photos, attracted a wide variety of “curious and curiouser” types. I talked to polyamorists, swingers, worn out players, fetishists, actors, the recently divorced, the recently bereaved, self appointed Messiahs, the broken, bored, the stoned, the lost. After short periods of time — about five weeks each round — I became overwhelmed and fled each site confused, full of doubt and wondering what I was doing wrong in terms of presenting myself.

I imagine a lot of people feel this way after making a stab at online dating. Am I the degreed professional looking for the similarly educated white collar guy? Am I the performing artist looking for someone to go dancing with? Am I the healer looking for someone who isn’t going to be my client? The truth is, all of these count.

So, I decided to try an experiment with Craigslist. I chose Craigslist because it’s text-based rather than photo-based. I suspected photos were working against me in some way I couldn’t perceive. I created three separate ads for Craigslist, all of which were posted within a day of each other. All three ads described me as a degreed professional looking for activity partners, friends, and maybe a relationship if the other two things worked with a bit about my interests and preferences (within five years of my own age, no kids, no habitual drinkers or smokers, creative, active).

• The first described me accurately: gothic, Asian-American, alternative, artistic, inquisitive, intelligent, adventurous.
• The second made no mention of my race at all.
• The third stated that I was “non-white and non-Christian.”

I felt deeply uneasy about specifying my race in the ad. My feminist side said that my race shouldn’t matter. My real life experience of growing up as a Vietnamese-American in Texas during the Vietnam War said that it absolutely matters. The degreed professional part of me said that my intelligence and accomplishments should trump the race factor. There turned out to be a lot of “shoulds” that would come up in this experiment. Including information about my race in a personal ad felt like a disclaimer, or a warning: let all “slanty-eyed haters” not enter here! I asked myself if I was on the defensive about my racial heritage — a question that didn’t yield an easy answer.

• The ad that said I was Asian generated approximately 80 responses in about 6 hours, after which Craiglist struck the ad as being a fake. Many if not most of the responses started with something like, “I love Asian” (I’m not kidding) or “Asian women are so sexy.” The content and feel of the responses was overtly sexual and made specific reference to my race as part of the appeal. Keep in mind that none of these ads contained a photo, so for all these guys knew, I could be a dwarf with missing teeth. But, apparently, being Asian is its own draw.
• The ad that did not specify my race drew a small number of responses, all from educated white men. Many of them didn’t write again after I sent them a photo. Did it have to do with an initial assumption that I was white which was then disappointed? I don’t know.
• The third ad, the one full of “nons” — non-white, non-Christian, alternative — generated the best responses: creative, thoughtful guys of a variety of racial and economic backgrounds, all intelligent and interesting.

Would it have been the same if I’d said I was Latina, or Black, or Samoan? Is being vaguely generic the most acceptable way to present yourself in America no matter who you are because being too “ethnic” is inevitably bad? What does “exotic” mean, anyway? In my wanting to belong to a partnership, which is more important? Or can they run together without conflict? If my Asian-ness or exoticism attracts a man, does this mean that in some way he will always see me as more separate than others?

To me, the true experience of racial privilege is that of never having to think about your race. This is an experience that I can safely say I’ve never had. Whether I like it or not, Asian women appear to be the focus of a great deal of sexual fetishism. I was born in Texas and have never been to Vietnam. I don’t speak the language and don’t have any magic code to unlock the ingredients of strange things in bags at the Chinese grocery. On the other hand, I do possess secret knowledge of what’s going on in some people’s heads — hence why I’m good at my work — and I do know a bit of kung fu, and what shrimp crackers taste like. How to sort it all out?

The man I’m now dating told me the other day that out in rural Texas, a resident referred to a little adopted Asian girl as a “g**k” in front of him without a trace of shame or remorse. I wonder how that little girl is going to navigate growing up in a place where the shape of her eyes informs everything that other people think and see about her before knowing anything about her insides. With any luck, by the time she gets to dating age, she’ll have found someone like me to help her out.

Elaine Dove is an artist and a healer who lives in Austin, Texas.

[Photo By Don Hankins]