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It seems that everyone in my social circle is getting engaged or married, which has forced my boyfriend and me to finally discuss this whole marriage business. I always vaguely envisioned marriage in my future, but in having to actually discuss it concretely, I realized how many hangups I have. See, I am very happy for everyone getting hitched these days. We are all in our late 20s, and it’s simply part of the natural progression of things. But when discussing the matter, the words “engagement,” “marriage,” and “husband” felt so terrible in my mouth.

I love my boyfriend deeply. We’ve been together for over four years now and we’ve been living together for one and a half. I can’t imagine anyone better for me. We get along, we have similar interests, we respect each other, and we have fun together. I simply cannot imagine ever being with anyone else. My hesitation has nothing to do with the relationship itself, but by my skewed notions of what marriage is.

One reason I felt hesitant is because of my career (or lack there of). We are both struggling writers — very dedicated to our craft and absolutely determined to be recognized for it. (Our love of poetry is what brought us together, in fact.) In my mind, for some reason, I thought I would have a book published or at least have a decent job before getting married. But as one married couple pointed out to us — what does your career have to do with getting married?  Not much, it turns out.

It always seemed to me that marriage was a burden— full of compromises, drudgery, and quiet despair, which I realize is unfair. It’s just that I’ve seen so many unhappy couples who don’t even seem to like each other anymore. Many people also seem to lose their sense of self because they become consumed by their spouse and children. But as I think more deeply about this, I also know happily married people who keep their individuality, still like each other, and have an active social life. Also, there are plenty of miserable single people in the world. If my boyfriend and I have never been dull people who accept mediocrity, why would we ever be?

I think I may have also watched one too many episodes of “Bridezillas.” Our cultural obsession with weddings is really bizarre to me and so the idea of epic, opulent weddings make me recoil with disgust. The narcissism, the materialism, the self-importance — all too much for me to stomach. We personally don’t have several thousand dollars to blow on one day. But upon further reflection, I realize that neither one of us is fancy, showy, or materialistic. Our wedding would be a cheap and Mexican affair — I imagine it in a tent or barn with a menu of Mexican street foods and several kegs of beer. It would be loud, fun, economical.

The idea of getting married also made me feel old. It conjured up images of old geezers watching “American Idol” and bickering about taxes. I thought getting married was for the ancient and that those who got married young were foolish. I am 27, but I still feel the same kind of exuberance I did at 21. I feel young because I’m still incredibly hopeful and idealistic in some ways. I would move to a different city or country at the drop of a hat if a good opportunity presented itself. I am adventurous, impulsive, and passionate. (My boyfriend is as well, which is why we make a good match.) I realized this would also not change if we got married. Duh.

I’m so glad I was finally forced to examine why exactly the idea of getting hitched caused me such panic and a mild case of nausea. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought as I contemplated the idea of becoming a wife. The terminology sounded so oppressive! But now I realize that marriage is what you want it to be and not some prescribed relationship. My boyfriend and I are not conventional people. We will never move to the suburbs. We won’t ever lose our individuality. We won’t ever lead lives of quiet despair. And that’s the kind of team I can definitely belong to.

[Photo By TIFFANY DAWN NICHOLSON (TDNphoto)]

The people that get most upset about what I write are almost always Latino men.

I’m not stereotyping or exaggerating — this is simply a fact. Nearly all of the hate mail that I’ve received after publishing certain articles has been from Latinos. This makes me uneasy, and I don’t even know how to unpack it. I’ll likely receive more hate mail just for saying that. I’d also like to make it clear that my writing comes from my lived experiences and particular perspective. I’m not claiming universal truths — but simply describing my own personal reality. If that offends you, I am not sorry.

I grew up witnessing all forms of machismo.

I saw mothers coddle their sons so much they didn’t know how to do anything for themselves. Many times they grew up to be men who don’t even know how to fix themselves a plate of food or wash a dish. The girls were always expected to learn all sorts of chores while the boys enjoyed the domestic pampering. I also grew up seeing men cheat on their wives, duplicitous lives enabled by their mothers.

Latino men are the ones who have most insulted my intellect and tried to “teach me” how I should navigate the world. I have gotten into so many arguments since I began my blog. Most of them began after I was basically told how ignorant and wrong I was on a particular topic. That little Mexican woman is an imbecile! I must show her the error of her ways. I have also been accused of internalized racism and “selling out,” which if you knew me at all, you’d know how incredibly wrong that statement is.

That’s not to suggest that other men haven’t insulted me or been condescending to me, but I can’t deny that it happens much more frequently among my own people. It actually hurts me to realize that. It’s even harder for me to write it. I was genuinely shocked that so many Latino men were offended by my article about my interracial relationship. Nowhere in my article did I say that I shunned Latino men. In fact, my plan was to marry one, but my boyfriend, who happens to be white, was the only man that allowed me to be myself and respected me as a woman, an intellectual, and human being.

I assume that, in some ways, the entitled attitude stems from the servitude they received from their mothers and other female family members. It comes from the notion that women exist to only serve their needs. They must feel that I, a Mexican woman, should shut my mouth, and that it’s their duty to tell me what to think. I can’t help but I’m grateful that I’ve known so many men that have not perpetuated this behavior or attitude. My brother grew up to be a great husband and father, for example. My male Latino friends are kind, compassionate, and egalitarian.

To the rest I say: I have come this far all by myself. I don’t need your help.

[Photo By striatic]

I was in my father’s hometown in Mexico tying some loose ends – signing off some property that was left to my name as part of my inheritance. My intention was not to be a landowner in Mexico, because it would only be a matter of time before someone told somebody else in charge that I was not the Mexican citizen I pretended to be. American citizens cannot own property in Mexico, after all.

But it wasn’t all business, part of the trip was filled with pleasure, unfortunately for me, the rules of attraction are written differently in Yurecuaro, Michoacán. The holding of hands is seen as something intimate that is only reserved for couples – so if you are seen holding someone’s hand, you better have the intention of putting a ring on it.

I remember I had one particular dinner date where the young lady brought along her mom and little brother. Her mother kept telling me that he daughter knew how to keep a clean house – all the while I just wanted to know her favorite song. We were at a fancy seafood restaurant and the little brother kept making a scene because he did not like shrimp and wanted tacos instead. I could not get the girl to speak more than two words. She chewed her gum and twirled her hair. She introduced me to the waiter as her boyfriend – from the United States — and suddenly our service improved. My drink was not allowed to reach the halfway mark before he came back to refill it.

In the span of one date, I had a girlfriend, a mother-in-law and a monster restaurant bill because my future brother-in-law had the waiter go across the street and buy him some tacos – at a modest convenience charge. To top it all off, I still did not know what her favorite song was. Needless to say it was a horrible date void of chemistry – or so I thought. I came back home and chalked it all up to the inexperience of being in over my head.

Two years have passed since the last time I spoke to her and a couple of days ago, I received a Facebook message from her. She wanted to know what happened to me. She thought we had hit it off quite nicely and wanted to know if I was interested in making her an honest woman – although in retrospect, she demanded an answer because she was not going to wait around forever. I had no idea she was waiting. She already has a wedding planned out. We are supposed to be getting married next Valentine’s Day and then vacationing in Disney World. She does not want children because she is trying to keep her figure and she hopes that I have a dishwasher because her momma did not raise her to a slave to the kitchen.

Part of me is willing to do it, if only to entertain and improve my writing.

[Photo By scented_mirror]

Ladies, have you ever walked into a room full of people and noticed that many of the women were giving you dirty looks for no reason at all? I call it being objectified — by women. I have been objectified by women many, many times. But it’s a different kind of objectification because instead of driven by power and sexual desire, it’s driven by insecurity and disdain. I often feel myself being picked apart by other women. Both types of gazes are dehumanizing, and sometimes I’m not sure which is worse.

Some women are rude to me for no reason at all. I used to tell my boyfriend this and I don’t think he quite believed me until he finally saw it for himself. It was as if I were telling him that the chupacabra was living in our pantry or that a gnome was the one responsible for the mess in the living room. This unpleasant interaction with other women has now happened several times when we have been together. Many times, my boyfriend gets a big smile and politely banters whilst I get the facial equivalent of an “eff you.” I have been introduced to many women who immediately made great efforts to ignore me. It was as if my face were oozing mucus, as if my existence offended their sensibilities.

But why? I’m friendly! I’m funny! I’m a nice person! Why are you being such a jerk?

Our culture pits women against each other. I can go on and on about how awful reality TV shows are for us. So many of these programs perpetuate terrible stereotypes, i.e., angry black women tearing out each others’ weaves, desperate women with obvious daddy issues competing for the affection of some washed up D-bag, women stabbing each other in the back for extreme plastic surgery. It never ends. This is why I don’t watch much TV. I’ve also heard a few women say they hate feminists, which is always upsetting to me because if it weren’t for feminists, women would have the same rights as cattle.

It’s obvious to me that women-hating-women only hate themselves. I see right through it, of course. From an early age we are taught to compete against each other. We are told that we should all be vying for male attention throughout our lives. We’re taught to break each other down, and talk about each other’s’ FUPAS and booty-dos. I can’t help but take it personally, though. When we hate each other, we’re participating in all the garbage we see on TV. We are being divided so we won’t progress as a group of people.

“I’m not trying to compete with you,” I want to say to these women-hating-women. “I don’t want to steal your beaver-looking boyfriend. I’m just here existing. You know, being a person. Maybe I want to be your friend.”

After so many years of being a feminist, I’m still not sure how to respond to this behavior. I am flustered no matter how many times this happens. It often makes it so hard to become close to other women and I resent that. I want to be surrounded by women. I want to have moments reminiscent of the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!” Ladies, why do you make it so hard? Don’t get me wrong — I have female friends and they are wonderful — but they are rare. So many women are already poised to hate other women when they meet. In some ways, I feel sorry for them, because I know that it’s not me they actually despise.

[Photo By Michelle Brea]

After a few years of consideration, I have ventured into the world of online dating. All my experiences in dating prior to this decision happened many years ago and had been face-to-face meetings before the first date. I was much younger and everyone was single. You know, you meet at a bar or party, or through a friend, small talk, a few laughs then exchange numbers after a few sips of liquid courage. Not very scientific, but it was an easy way to gage an instant physical attraction, or perceived one, between two people.

That has all changed now. I am older and wiser with more at stake than just my heart. And I live in the suburbs where everyone here comes in a family unit. Singles are a rare sighting. I go out with my girlfriends for dinner and wine, but the last thing I want to do now is find romance in a bar. The pitfalls are greater. You can miss a lot in the dim lighting of a bar when sizing up a middle-aged man.

• Too many age lines.
• Bloodshot eyes from too much drink.
• Their real reason for being there.
• The tan line on a finger showing a missing wedding band.

Oh yeah! Dating is so much easier now that I’m older.

Enter the cupid of our modern era: online dating. At a friend’s suggestion and a promising TV ad showing an embracing happy couple, I decided to cast my net out into the sea of cyberspace in search of a “good catch.” So far, the experience has been quite amusing, interesting and promising. I’m like a kid in a candy store.

I have signed up with Match.com and EHarmony. For $39 a month, anonymity and from the comfort of my own home, I can checkout numerous men without even getting dressed up and going out. I can find out what they like, their hobbies, their income level, what god they pray to, how many kids they have and what their preferences are in women. From their pictures, I can scrutinize their faces, hairline, smiles and physiques without making them uncomfortable. This is where the playing field evens out between the sexes. We all get a chance to be scrutinized, courted and turned down for the same price.

There are various ways to express your interest in someone on these sites. You can send them a “wink,” “like” their picture or mark them as “favorite.” You can send them an email, or imply and interest in their profile. The first time I responded to a “wink” I thought I was making a lifetime commitment. I’m more relaxed about those overtures now. A “wink” is just a wink. As in live meetings, the first impression is always the visual. I have to admit that there are many good-looking men on this sight. At least their pictures imply so. Then, there are the guys who need a 101 on uploading the image that says, “I’m worth a try. Keep reading.”

• First piece of advice: Do not post a picture of yourself with the bathroom tiles of your bathroom and your towel rack in the background. And please, put a shirt on.
• Second: Make sure you place the camera away from your face as you try to shoot your reflection through the mirror.
• Third: I appreciate your honesty in showing me your love handles through the thinness of your super tight shirt but, it’s too much information too soon.
• Fourth: One picture of you from ten years ago is not going to do it. “I want the truth.” More pictures are better than one. Smiles are good too.
• Fifth: Make sure you are not wearing “dad shorts” or “dad pants” that sit too high on your waist. Yes, we women look at that too.
• Fifth: Pictures of you at various partying locations with different women flanking you is not going to inspire me to want to be in the picture.

For those men who have awesome workout bodies, I don’t need to see all of the muscles in your body at once. There is no need to use a speedo to display your “confidence.” It leaves very little to the imagination. Most endearing are pictures of dads with their kids; yes they do tug at the heart- strings. You guys know what you’re doing. These are my personal evaluations. There is someone for everyone. I am sure that my profile is, at this very moment being scrutinized. That is a concept I am going to have to become more comfortable with.

I have waded cautiously, as we should all do, into this cyber world of dating. I have gone out on a couple of dates and they have been nice experiences. Mostly, I do more browsing than dating. But it’s a great window-shopping experience.

[Image By Iconspedia]

In college there was no doubt in my mind that I would marry a Mexican. I didn’t want my culture to be diluted. I wanted to live in a Spanish-speaking household. I wore Ché Guevara berets with rebozos and Tehuana blouses. I just stopped short of wearing a poncho and purchasing a donkey just to really make a point. I wanted my partner to understand my family, and not judge them for being so incredibly loud.

Fast forward seven years and I am living with my white boyfriend. Throughout my early 20s, I avoided white guys. I didn’t want to “sell out” (though it can be debated that I always was a “sell out”). I didn’t want to live in fear of them saying something racist. I didn’t want to be their “Latina college experience.” Sometimes I believed they wouldn’t even find me attractive. I also didn’t want to have to explain what a “chancla” was or what I meant when I said I was “empachada.” I also didn’t want to explain my Chespirito references (like when I get “la chiripiorca”).

I just wanted them to understand.

But that didn’t work out. The brown men I dated didn’t do well with my independent nature. Some of them were off put by my very non-traditional beliefs and lifestyle. I’m not generalizing, though. I’m sure that there are plenty of educated brown men who are comfortable dating unconventional brown women and don’t secretly want a white girl. Please don’t send me angry emails, for I know these men exist. I, however, never met one who showed any interest in me. Believe me — I looked. Also, the further I got into my education, I’m talking about graduate school, the fewer Latinos I came across.

That is not to say that dating a white man was my last resort. Far from it. I can’t imagine a better partner for myself. I’m lucky to have found him. It’s in meeting him that I let go of many of preconceived notions. For example, not all white people eat boiled hot dogs for dinner, listen to Dave Matthews Band, and do the funky chicken at weddings. These are things I simply did not know. My boyfriend sincerely wanted to know about my culture, he valued my intelligence and was interested in my innumerable opinions. He even watched Chespirito for me. Clearly, to him I wasn’t just some spicy Latina shaking my proverbial maracas. At this point in our four-year relationship, sometimes he makes some salsas that are better than mine. He often speaks Spanish without even realizing it.

Of course, there are tensions that result from cultural misunderstandings. Having grown up poor as hell, my complexes about class have made some star appearances. Also, having been condescended to so many times in my life for being a woman of color — ”Oh how cute, that little Mexican girl thinks she’s a writer!” — I can be extremely defensive. If I even suspect someone is patronizing me, I lose my temper (cue neck jerk and obligatory “Oh hells nah!”).

Sometimes I’m wrong, though.

Most of the time, I forget that we’re an interracial couple. Once and a while, however, other people seem to be really bothered by it. I can’t count how many times a white woman has given me a dirty look when I’m with my boyfriend. And no, it’s not all in my head! Also, when we go to nice restaurants, particularly with his family, the Mexican busboys look at me with confusion and sometimes judgment and disappointment. I can’t express to you how awkward and guilty I feel at these moments.

At first, my mom was also worried that his family would be racist, which is perfectly reasonable since Mexicans are not exactly considered the upper echelon of society where I come from. I had to reassure my mother many times that my boyfriend’s parents were actually very kind to me. I used to think that the saying “You can’t choose who love” was stupid and sappy because I thought that we could, in fact, chose who to love. That may still be true, but had I dismissed the nice white man I met at the grad school mixer simply because he was white, I would have missed out on the best relationship I’ve ever been in.

There are so many interracial couples in this country, I don’t see why people are still offended by it. We all have our particular preferences. It’s very reasonable to have certain criteria when looking for a partner but consider allowing yourself to be surprised sometimes. And, I suppose, the the world can judge us all it wants because last time I checked, miscegenation was still legal.

Oh Hells Nah is a small and sassy Mexican woman exploring the relationships between poetry, culture, and food. She lives in Chicago, you can check out her blog — like hot dogs for your brain — or follow her on Facebook or Twitter @OhHellsNah.

[Photo By ♥ellie♥]

[Editor's Note: If you don't read in Spanish you can translate this page using Google Chrome.]

Todas las personas al entrar en una relación quisieran que se cumpliera la frase “Y vivieron por siempre felices.” En la realidad las cosas no son tan sencillas como en los cuentos de hadas, y es por eso que cada vez más relaciones de pareja se separan ante el temor de experimentar el dolor y los obstáculos que a cada uno se le presentan para ser resueltos, y no sólo para salir corriendo.

Lo que no se contempla y no se nos enseña al iniciar una relación de pareja, es que la relación deberá pasar por diferentes etapas, las cuales no necesariamente serán todas agradables ya que se tendrán que enfrentar miedos, dudas e incertidumbres para poder consolidar una relación de amor estable y apasionada. La verdadera pasión no se busca, se genera y es espontánea. El verdadero amor se muestra como una vida compartida, con incrementos y disminuciones, altas y bajas.

1. Se Descubre La Pareja Esperada

Al inicio de la relación, además de la sensación de “Mariposas en el estómago”, se presenta el tan escuchado comentario “El amor es ciego”. Aquí se piensa que se ha encontrado “Un tesoro” de un valor incalculable en la otra persona, y que éste se ha esperado por mucho tiempo, que tiene un valor que nadie puede reemplazar para la relación. Se idealiza la relación y se piensa que esta sí será la verdadera y la única.
 Las personas creen que ya no tendrán que trabajar más, sin pensar o cuestionar qué es lo que tiene que hacer para que la relación continúe y se fortalezca. Ingenuamente se piensa que ya se logró lo que se buscaba y que no se tendrá que hacer nada más.

2. Dudas, Temores Y Preguntas No Resueltas

Cuando la pareja pasa más tiempo junta y sus integrantes empiezan a conocerse muchas veces aparecen dudas, miedos y preguntas como: ¿Será la persona adecuada? ¿Habrá alguien mejor esperando por mí? Y además el miedo a ser transformado y perder la libertad. Miedo al abandono, a la fusión o al rechazo, es decir, aparece el “Temor a la intimidad o al compromiso.” Es una etapa donde los pensamientos están confundidos, el corazón late con fuerza no porque se ama y se es amado, sino de puro miedo.

3. Aclarar El Panorama

Pocas parejas logran sobrevivir hasta esta etapa. La mayoría ya ha tomado la decisión de romper, esperar y buscar otra opción. Es aquí cuando a través del amor y la compasión la pareja empieza a aclarar sus verdaderas intenciones, a ver la realidad y a demostrar fortaleza mientras espera a ver qué pasa. El cuento de “La Bella y la Bestia” ejemplifica este momento de la relación, donde se sabe que detrás de lo feo se encontrará la verdad. Comprender a la otra persona y enfrentar los propios miedos son las características de esta etapa. Se entiende y acepta que no hay que sufrir porque ya ha pasado esa pasión desbordada donde se sentía que no se podía vivir sin el otro, y se vive una pasión de una manera más segura y enriquecida.

4. La Confianza

Hay momentos en la vida donde las personas necesitan dejarse llevar por el amor, ser valientes y enfrentar lo que se tenga que enfrentar. Debemos aprender que se tiene la capacidad de curar cualquier daño que se haga en la relación y confiar en que se tiene la capacidad de sanar las heridas que se sufran por amar. Se utilizan todos los recursos y se confía en que se podrá superar las antiguas heridas de amor, así como cualquier evento del pasado que pueda interferir en la relación.

5. Planear Sueños Para El Futuro

Cuando se es capaz de compartir las penas, desilusiones y temores del pasado, y existe la capacidad de comprensión y compasión de la pareja, se empiezan a sanar y aliviar las tristezas pasadas y a vislumbrar en un futuro lo que serán los sueños donde se construirá una relación que ha superado obstáculos, y ha entendido lo pasado como un proceso de crecimiento. Se ha podido brincar del enamoramiento al verdadero amor, donde se llega a acuerdos y se elaboran planes para el futuro.

6. El Uso Del Corazón

Aquí es cuando realmente se utiliza el corazón y se fusiona el cuerpo y el alma.
Ya se ha comprendido que la relación pasará por altibajos, se ha dejado de idealizar el amor como un cuento de hadas, y cada uno de los que integran la pareja se ha comprometido con lo agradable y desagradable del otro, aceptándolo como un ser humano y no como un dios que podrá satisfacer todas sus necesidades. Se ha aceptado y valorizado que la relación perdurable implica trabajo y aceptación de las diferentes etapas, y se ha decidido quedarse con la persona que se ha elegido.

Lo anterior es un proceso que ayuda a entender que una buena relación pasa por etapas, no todas tan buenas, pero que siempre se llega a una meta que es el atreverse a sentir el amor como una decisión de compartir la vida con la persona elegida, vivir el amor y entregar el corazón.

Para reflexionar
:

• Si cada vez que terminas con tu pareja y la culpas, ¿Será realmente la responsabilidad de la otra persona?
• Si en tus planes no consideras tener pareja, ¿Te has preguntado por qué?
• Si has tenido infinidad de rompimientos, ¿Le tendrás miedo al compromiso?
• Si piensas que siempre encuentras a las personas equivocadas para ti, te has preguntado ¿Realmente son ellas las que están mal?

Martha Sáenz is a life coach hyponotherapist who lives in Los Angeles. Follow her on Twitter at @marthalifecoach.

[Photo By Alex Bellink]