NewsTaco

By Jesse Luna, NewsTaco

One of the primary questions at the start of a relationship is “Can I trust you?”

The same is true on online relationships and in the process of vetting new connections and networks. Everyone gets invites to join this or that and if you don’t have a previous relationship or personally know the person IRL (in real life) then you might be suspicious of the attempt to connect.

Connecting with this new person or group might turn out well, like a blind date arranged by your favorite aunt. Or, it could be a nightmare like a blind date you go on that one guy’s famous list.

This is what I did, do or have done before joining groups that became invaluable to me, really changed my life or are just fun.

A few years back, by being open to a new group of social media savvy folks from across the country, I was able to connect with this Latinos in Social Media (LATISM) group. Since then, I’ve made a lot of friends and eventually helped produce one of the first social media for social good conferences.

It took some time to trust the new LATISM group though. Eventually I met enough people, had enough live one-on-one conversations with LATISM supporter and I was sold.

I’ve been a part of several other networks on Twitter and they often raise dust before people understand what they are. When I was actively working with hundreds other to help save the life of Eric De La Cruz, a young man who needed a heart transplant, there was much scrutiny of supporters bearing the #ERIC branded Twitter avatars which I still wear today. “Who was this #Eric person, why are people asking for contributions and whoa, why are Trent Reznor, Alyssa Milano, Tony Hawk, and Dave Navarro supporting this campaign?” people would ask. Some took these questions further and dug deeper, often looking to find something wrong.

The creation of a new online network is a delicate thing. There has to be transparency but the forming network can’t spend all of its time trying to appease doubters. During the #ERIC campaign, skeptics were silenced when Eric’s sister, Veronica De La Cruz, started tweeting photos from the hospital.

So what should you do if you are trying to start an online group or network?
In real estate people talk about “Location, Location, Location.” In social media it’s “Transparency, Transparency, Transparency.”

Transparency (1) – Let people easily know who you are. Introduce yourself and your organization. The LATISM network spread quickly, first with the use of the #LATISM hashtag then by spreading the story of the creation of the group which was tied to founding member Ana Roca Castro (@AnaRC).

Transparency (2) – Let people know what you want. Have a Web site that explains your mission and intentions. For the campaign to save Eric De La Cruz’s life, we created a website that had background information and photos of Veronica and Eric when they were children to help people connect with what was going on. The site also had a way to take online donations.

Transparency (3) – Let people know who you really are. If there are holes in your story the Internet will find out and use it against you. The Internet is a big tattletale – photos, forum messages, public records, the Library of Congress!!! This is especially true if you are going to be doing any kind of fundraising or gathering of personal data.

And remember, bloggers like to dig.

Conclusion
Be authentic and build relationships. Also, don’t be a jerk and blow people off when earnest questions are being asked. As Dr. Seuss says, “There is no one youer than you.” But you need to do work to show people who you are.

Photo Credit:
Erlend Aasland on Flickr – License

Dear Martha,

I want to get back with my ex-girlfriend, but the day I went to tell her, she told me she was seeing someone else. I had a fit of jealousy, and since then she doesn’t talk to me or respond to my messages. It’s been two months and she’s the only thing I think about all day; not she says this guy is making her very happy.

The bigger problem is that my ex is also my best friend, that’s why the distance hurts me so much. I feel like I can’t live without her, I need her, and I’m willing to do anything for her to come back. I really love her.

— Desperately In Love

Dear Desperately In Love,

Your ex made her decision and you have to respect it. You need to learn to control your jealousy; more than love it appears you are obsessed with her, and that’s probably why she doesn’t want to be near you. The expression, “I’m willing to do anything for her to come back” is one that probably scares her and pushes her away more.

This does not speak highly of you and the fact that you are still pursuing her says two things about you: that you have emotional issues you need to resolve and you may be at risk of getting in trouble with the law.

You have to control your thoughts with respect to her and reflect on the fact that she’s not your property. You will never be her friend if you can’t control your possessive and controlling impulses. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t go our way, but this is an opportunity for you to move past that. Reflect and think about your own life, a healthy person has a lot to offer.

[Photo By Paul Stuart Iddon]

Dear Martha:

I haven’t been sleeping well lately for reasons due to my work schedule and my relationship. I’m a 30-year-old female professional, and my boyfriend, who’s 29, also works.

The problem is that I travel a lot for work and while I’m gone my boyfriend acts like he’s still single. He parties with his friends, hangs out at strip clubs, and even though he says that nothing happens, all of this still has me worried. He often goes with female friends to movies and for drinks, and I don’t know if this is normal or not.

I’m always gone and traveling for work and if you think I’m being jealous for no reason, please tell me. When I try to call him out on his behavior, he gets mad and won’t speak to me. This is very difficult for me because I don’t have a lot free days to see him, and I feel that our time is wasted with stupid fights.

In the end, I always end up asking his forgiveness so that he’ll come back.

— The Bachelor’s Girlfriend

Dear Bachelor’s Girlfriend:

I don’t believe that your boyfriend has the same beliefs and values as you when it comes to being in a relationship, let alone the same expectations as you. You want to have a serious relationship and loving commitment, while he seems like a teenager who does what he wants.

I have a few questions for you: Why do you beg him to stay? He creates fights to distance himself, basically saying that he does not want to be with you. How does his behavior make you feel on a day-to-day basis? Do you really think you deserve to be treated this way? Do you think he’ll ever be able to give you the commitment that you need?

What do you need to regain your self-esteem? When you let him keep hurting you, you let him have the power in the relationship. Deciding not to let him continue to humiliate and hurt you anymore is your decision. You have the power to choose.

— Martha

Dear Martha,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years; the relationship has been very unstable, we break up and get back together all the time. We have formalized our engagement and are planning to marry in May.

My surprise was that, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he told me he didn’t want to marry me. He ended the relationship and said he didn’t care about everything that we had together.

I’m desperate because I want to convince him to come back and reflect, but I haven’t told anybody about it. I just pretend like nothing happen, because I hope that we will get back together and still get married.

I’m depressed and sad and I don’t know how to convince him, any advice?

— Waiting To Marry

Dear Waiting To Marry,

I’m sorry to hear what is happening to you, I think you should listen very closely to what he is telling you: he no longer wants to get married. And even though it’s very hard for you to deal with, you have to do it.

This isn’t about trying to convince him to marry you, or begging him to stay, it’s about you needing to understand that he doesn’t want a lifelong commitment. Be honest and cancel everything.

With time, you will understand the reason that he wanted to leave. If in a marriage one person has doubts, it’s probable that soon both parties will be headed towards a divorce.

You need to recuperate your self esteem, reinforce your dignity and accept that not everything in life is the way you want it to be. Recuperate your energy and strength and stop begging someone who doesn’t want to be with you. The best thing is for you to learn to love yourself, and learn this painful lesson now, because you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself, if not with your ex-fiancé.

— Martha

[Photo By gcardinal]

That little love scamp Latino Cupid presents his special Valentine’s Day cards for tough times. As they say around here, Happy Valentimes Day! Catch more of Latino Cupid’s escapades around this time every year at La Cucaracha, the nationally-syndicated comic strip by Pocho’s Jefe-In-Chief Lalo Alcaraz. Sign up for free La Cucaracha comics daily at GoComics.

Dear Martha:

How can I make my father listen to me? I am 16 and six years ago my father was unfaithful to my mother with my cousin. It was very painful and they separated. Now he has another partner and I have many problems with her. She doesn’t like me and my dad blames me for everything she says. Once she started complaining about me, my father moved away and now only calls me once a month and I only see him every three or four months.

When I do see him, we always talk about why I ask him for time and attention and he tells me I need to change, stop being jealous and quarrelsome. I just want my father’s attention as his daughter. I am angry. He says that if I don’t change my attitude towards his partner, he’s never going to talk to me again. What do I do?

— Disappointed Daughter

Dear Disappointed Daughter:

It’s painful to see that, because of the mistakes of parents, children suffer. I suggest that you do not get involved in adults’ problems, and learn to see your father for what he is: your father. Whether he’s behaved badly with his partners or not, leave that out of your life, see if your relationship with him improves.

I recommend you go see a counselor and unload all of these feelings in a safe place where no one can hurt you. A counselor will understand and help you feel better. No one can obligate your father to be a better parent, but counseling can at least help you feel better understand that you don’t have to be hurt by the choices he makes.

[Photo By apdk]

Everyone’s favorite holiday is approaching, that’s the “Show me you still care with a public display of I still matter to you” Day. Some people still refer to it as Valentine’s Day. The day where the women in our lives are pandered to, though we take them for granted during the other 364 days of the year. Well ladies, it is a leap year, so you better make that 365 days.

I am one of the hopeless males you have come to accept with a sigh and a shake of your head — you know the type. We want you to feel special so we will take our iPhones and translate a Pablo Neruda poem to English that we can only hope you are not familiar with, so we can pass it off as our own. Next, we will regale you with flowers bought from shady websites that will later steal our identities and use them to apply for countless credit cards. Well, the joke is on them — because my credit was already ruined. The finishing touch is usually a handmade dinner that tastes just like King Taco, but we swear up and down that it’s a recipe that goes back to our great-great-great-great abuelita.

Look, I know I am a caveman but I have not read up on what kind of caveman I am. I might not have the adequate upper body strength to be a hunter, or the botanical knowledge to make a proper salad, but I try to try. It used to be so much easier when I was a kid: if you liked someone, you gave them a Batman or Superman valentine; if you did not like someone, you stuck them with an Aquaman or Green Lantern valentine. Gabriela Estar and Julia Valencia always got the Batman cards, I would save them for last and write a personal greeting in red pen.

I challenge Pablo Neruda to come off with something like that.

Nowadays, valentines are too politically correct. No one wants to hurt anybody else’s feelings, and they all sound like permission slips to be friends.  Batman must have succumbed to the complications of his reckless lifestyle because he has been replaced by brand name fads and product placement. I would be placated to find one Simpsons’ “I Choo-choo-choose You” card.

The bottom line is that I’m trying to be romantic, but it does not come easy because all the people I want to be romantic with do not wish to be romantic with me. Simply put, the valentines do not have the magic they once used to.  Oh Batman, this lonely nation and I turn our eyes to you, as I log in to freeflowerz.kenya.org to buy flowers. I wonder why they need my banking information.

[Photo By andertoons]

When I taught a love literature class a few years ago, to a class comprised entirely of young college girls, I assigned stories and essays about various forms of love. Complaints emerged that texts I was assigning were not about love at all, when in reality the texts I had chosen were not about heterosexual romantic relationships.  I tried to explain to them that love was manifested in all forms, but they were not having it. They wanted to read sexy tales between men and women and I had let them down. Personally, I have a really hard time being romantic in the clichéd sense: diamond commercials make me shudder, romantic comedies make me want to light something on fire. I have asked my boyfriend to please promise he wouldn’t get on one knee if he proposed, because it I think it’d make me puke on the inside.

I don’t know why I’m like this. There are also parts of my personality that aren’t at all conventionally feminine. There is not a dainty bone in my body. I had to be resilient growing up, so I guess became a pretty tough broad, so I can’t get past prescribed romance and faux chivalry. That is not to say that I don’t appreciate romance that is not pukey; one of the nicest moments of my life was when my boyfriend and I were stuck at home during a blizzard and we sat in the dark listening to the thunder snow. See, I don’t hate love! But when I see saccharine tomfooleries taken straight from romantic comedies that star the vapid Jennifer Aniston, I can’t help but grimace.

The problem is our society’s obsession with heteronormative relationships, seen on shows like “The Bachelor” in which catty women compete for the affection of a prized unctuous prig:

• Women, you are worthless if you are not paired up with a man.
• Your sole purpose in life is to marry some dude and crank out his babies.
• You should also expect expensive blood diamonds because DeBeers says so.
• You should be treated like a frail, hemophiliac princess.
• If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you will eventually die alone in your home with your cats who might begin eating your face because no one notices that you are dead.

Though I love my boyfriend very much, our relationship is not enough to sustain me spiritually — there is so much more to love than romance. Like most normal people, I deeply value my relationships with friends and family. I am often so filled with love that I feel like I’m bursting at the seams like a tightly encased sausage. I love writing more than I can even explain. I love literature. I love art. I love music. I love this taco I’m eating. I love nature. I love humanity. I love beauty so much that sometimes I get so overwhelmed by a freaking a tree branch that my chest literally aches (see, I am romantic). Hell, I even love Kermit the frog and entire cast of Muppets, for that matter. And lastly, I love myself, despite our culture’s insistence that I don’t.

The overall message I was trying to communicate to that class is: romantic relationships don’t have to occupy the center of our world. There is more to life than stories with sexy results. Love is not always necessarily about boinking. The literature I was teaching was about love. Because really, what the hell isn’t?

[Photo By Sister72]

Dear Martha:

I’m in a very difficult situation, I need help. I have been married almost 15 years and it has been a nightmare. When I agreed to marry my husband, he told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship. But that it was over, he loved was me and wanted to forgive him. I agreed because I was in love with him.

Now we have two sons, 14 and 12 years old. We’ve separated twice over his infidelities; I found out that the last woman was the mother of his other child, that he never stopped seeing her, and bought her a house. I kicked him out. Now begs me to come back, tells me he loves me, his friends are telling me that I’m his number one. He wants me to forgive him because I’ve always been good to him.

What should I do? He has been crying so much for me.

— Married and Heartbroken

Dear Married and Heartbroken:

I think you have the answer, but it may be difficult to see. He’s been unfaithful for over 15 years and his former lover never disappeared. He says you’re number one, are you happy with being “number one?”

Even if you’re a good person and you forgive him, forgiveness does not mean people don’t take responsibility for their actions. I don’t think this is about forgiveness, this is about what you expect from your partner and what you want for your life.

You already know that forgiving him won’t change his behavior. The important thing is to ask yourself: How long will my husband keep cheating? Am I willing to live in a non-exclusive relationship? Does it affect my children to know their father has another family? Put yourself first, stop seeing yourself as the victim, that’s the first step in your personal recovery. Think of all the painful years you have lived through and ask yourself if you deserve a better life.

[Photo By SashaW]

Depending on one’s life plans, this may come as a pleasant or unpleasant surprise to all the young couples having unprotected sex out there: They’re not as infertile as they think.

According to a study by the Guttmacher Institute cleverly titled “Missed Conceptions or Misconceptions: Perceived Infertility Among Unmarried Young Adults In the United States,” almost one-fifth of women and 13% of men between the ages of 18-29 who were polled perceived themselves to be infertile. The authors of the define perceived infertility as, “an individual’s belief that she or he is unable to conceive or impregnate, regardless of whether this belief is medically accurate.”

Turns out, a lot of those people are wrong. Particularly those who identified as Hispanic. According to an excerpt from the study:

Hispanic women and women who had received public assistance in the past year had elevated odds of perceived infertility (odds ratios, 3.4 and 3.0, respectively), as did Hispanic men and men of other racial or ethnic minorities, except blacks (2.5 and 6.1, respectively).

The reality is that only about 6% within the age group tested are considered to be infertile. The authors of the study also point out that men who believed themselves to be infertile were less likely to use contraceptives.

Instead of self-diagnosing, young adults need to be better informed on matters of reproductive health. Or, at the very least, always use condoms or some form of birth control if they aren’t planning on having kids.

[Photo By snow.ipernity.com]

Dear Martha:

I am 55-years-old and about three years ago, I noticed a sudden change in my character. Now I’m angry and irritable all the time and with everyone.  Do you think I should see a doctor?

- Angry All The Time

Dear Angry All The Time:

Any kind of important change that happens at a physical or an emotional level has to have a reasoning behind what is causing it, along with a solution.  You definitely deserve to recover your emotional well-being , for your sake and the sake of your family.

Look for a solution.  Don’t resign yourself to being mad at life or with yourself. If you remember how it was before and how you felt then, why wouldn’t you try and find that same emotional state?

- Martha

[Photo By Floyd Brown]

By Eres Nerd

The approach of St. Valentine’s signifies the annual season where Latino nerds across los Estados Unidos discover Pablo Neruda. Like Christian using Cyrano De Bergerac, Neruda becomes a proxy for many Latino nerds in expressing their love for another.

In the years without a novia, St. Valentine’s Day was not a big holiday for me, since I focused being a nerd and doing nerdy things. Despite being a nerd, it was soon my turn to face the Latino the rite of passage in discovering Neruda, the Chilean poet-turned-prominent diplomat. He was primarily famous for writing love poetry — he wrote about love, but not simply the love between people. He wrote of the love of culture, of nations, and the love of simple things. Neruda shows this contrast in the poems “The Heights of Machu Picchu” that celebrates the Incan culture and my personal favorite, “Oda a Mi Traje,” which as I grow older, makes me appreciate under-appreciated things in my life.

My memory fails me now the exact reasons and the place where Neruda entered my life. I do remember the book. It was “20 Poemas de Amor y Una Canción Desperada/20 love poems and A Song of Despair.” It was an epiphany. The Spanish was flawlessly beautiful and devastatingly expressive. Poema 15 from that collection has the verse, “Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante,” which is just brilliant. I wondered who inspired such adoration and affection. Would I ever feel that way about someone? Could I ever write that well?

With Neruda as a starting point, I read other great Latin American poets, such as Mario Benedetti, Jaime Sabines, and Efraín Huerta. All have expanded and deepened my appreciation of my native language, español. Of course, life is not always great, so I thank my English literature classes for exposing me to Sylvia Plath and Charles Bukowski. I have not kept up with modern poets, apart from my fellow NewsTaco columnist Oh Hells Nah and Jay-Z.

For all the uncomfortable nerds standing before the poetry shelves, below is a quick primer on Pablo Neruda’s works. Most of his poetry books have the poems both in English and Spanish versions on opposite pages.

1. “20 Poemas de Amor y Una Canción Desperada/20 love poems and A Song of Despair” was Neruda’s first prominent work and an easy introduction to his style.
2. “Los versos del Capitán/The Captain’s Verses” is my personal favorite. The downside to this book was Neruda’s Newt Gingrich-like behavior when writing it; dating a woman, he later married, while still married to another woman.
3. “Cien Sonetos de Amor/100 Love Sonnets” is his most well known book, and there are 100 love poems, which become overwhelming after sixty-fifth one. In addition, it has a very pink cover which matches any St. Valentine’s day décor.
4. “Odas a Cosa Comunes/Odes to Common Things” is Neruda’s effort to state that an common thing still deserves love.
5. “Il Postino/The Postman” is a 1994 Italian movie about a postman, who delivers Neruda’s mail while he was living off the coast of Italy, and like many Latino nerds, using it to attempt the object of his affection. And the movie has a very good soundtrack where famous celebrities, including Madonna, recite Neruda’s poetry.

Colorín Colorado, read poetry, love, and be happy.

Eres Nerd lives a nerdy life in the borderlands of Estados Unidos and Mexico. Follow him on Facebook or on Twitter @ElEresNerd.

[Video By carotatiana; Photo By Freddy Agurto Parra]

Dear Martha:

I’m a successful professional but my partner is always in and out of different jobs. His lack of ambition is extremely frustrating to me. What should I do?

-Reluctant Breadwinner

Dear Reluctant Breadwinner:

You really need to reflect on your relationship. Why did you choose to be with someone under such circumstances? Are there other areas of your life he complements?

And if he were to remain the same way, would you continue the relationship?  Or are you really waiting for him to commit to something and solve the problem?

If you’re waiting for him to make a change on his part, it may never happen. If, on the other hand, you think that you could handle the responsibility of taking care of both of you, go ahead, you must truly be in love.

Above all, consider whether or not you could continue this way for the rest of your life. The only person that you can change is yourself.

[Photo By  slworking2]

Dear Martha,

Lately I’ve had a hard time. After my divorce, I had to live and cope with difficult changes, many problems. But what is more painful to my processing all of this is, I have to face my mother. She says she does not agree with the fact that I am divorced, and that I have caused her great pain and shame.

I’m really hurt and sad. I love her and miss her, but I can not relate to her, I do not know what to do

— Divorced and Devastated

Dear Divorced and Devastated,

What you need to understand is that she was born and educated in a different era, with very conservative values ​​and beliefs. You can learn to respect her thoughts and feelings. There are many people who have been angry with their mothers for years — Those are years lost, and life is too short.

She punishes you for getting a divorce? All right. Tell her you appreciate her opinion. You can not change your mother, but you can change the way you both relate to each other. Love her and accept her for how she is. The hardest part is over, and you have to invest your energies in healing. She will reproach you, but not buy into it.

Mothers can love everything. And the love of a daughter can be all-forgiving.

[Photo By Ross Elliott]