El Guapo is a problem-solver. It is his nature. He usually slaps on his finest hairnet, jumps into his trusty lowrider, Rocinante, and travels the world righting wrongs and attacking social ills from every direction – all while grooming his lush chest hair because it helps him concentrate.
Today, he’s going with corn rows. You’re welcome (both for the mental image you’re now enjoying and for the tireless efforts on your behalf). So, as the U.S. economy sputters along and clueless economists argue about whether the worst is yet to come, El Guapo proposes a solution that most are too timid to even fathom. The solution…
Bring child labor back.
According to the most recent census numbers, there are about 62 million kids 15 and under in the U.S. That’s 124 million idle hands. 620,000,000 wasted fingers. Yet, as a nation of faint-of-heart, child-obsessed coddlers, we are blind to the obvious win-win opportunity staring us in the face.
The Case For Child Labor In The U.S.:
Not to mention the fact that the little ones will be working on those fine motor skills. There’s no better motivation than trying to avoid having your hands sewn together, like little Tommy at the next machine.
2. Kids are spoiled, rude and ungrateful, and don’t know the value of a dollar.
The old truism that children should be seen and not heard was wrong. They shouldn’t be seen nor heard – and it’d be preferable if they were altogether elsewhere. What better elsewhere than a sweatshop? Obesity issues will also fade away, too, since they’ll eat saltines, wash it down with their own spit, and, Goddamnit — they’ll like it!
3. We don’t make stuff anymore.
This financial debacle we’re in happened because morons with ivy league degrees were allowed to trade, buy, sell, and speculate on stuff that didn’t actually exist. So, we need to get competitive in the real world again, now. Plus, children are less likely to organize – circumventing any union obstructions and demands. And if they do try to organize, you can usually distract them with gum or shiny things.
C’mon, check your ego at the door and admit that no matter how challenging you think your job is, there are mind-numbing aspects that can be handled by an 8 year-old with very little lost in the switch. By the way, a quick glance at international numbers proves that Americans work far too much. (Fewest vacation days in the developed world: 13 to France’s 38.)
5. We can finally compete with the third world
We’re headed for third world status anyway. The income gap between rich and poor has quadrupled in the past 30 years. And let’s be brutally honest – poor kids in particular are screwed anyway unless they can get their hands on those infamous bootstraps that Republican millionaires are always bellowing about…
Your handsome and humble servant —