NewsTaco

August 30th, 2011
How Raúl Julia Jr Will Take On The Mexican Govt & The Mayans

Raúl Julia-Levy is a man claiming to be the illegitimate son of celebrated Latino thespian Raúl Julia, a great character actor that appeared in a couple of great movies and more than a couple of bad ones. He is one of those faces you recognize in more than a handful of movies but whose name slips your mind no matter how many times you snap your fingers. Raúl Julia was probably best known as his role as Gomez Addams in the big budget Hollywood productions of the Addams Family. He excelled in that role — with all apologies to John Astin but none to Tim Curry.

However there is no apparent genetic link that ties Julia-Levy to the elder Julia – although Julia-Levy would want you to believe that his alleged father abandoned him as a child. In fact, Julia-Levy appears to be a stage name. His birth name happens to be Salvador Alba Fuentes. He uses the name Julia-Levy in order to get him to the negotiation table with movie producers — and sometimes those producers do manage to come to the table, ready to deal.

So the fake son of the real Raúl Julia is set to release a real documentary on the fakest news story since Y2K.

If this sounds confusing to you, do not worry about it. Take a second, and process the information line by line. Julia-Levy is set to produce a documentary depicting the facts behind the end of days, according to the Mayan Calendar. I hate to break it to Julia-Levy, but that movie was already made with John Cusack. The fact that he is making this a documentary does not detract from the more popular film.

The best part about this documentary is that it is being written with secret information from the Mexican government. Said information has been kept secret from the world for more than 80 years, according to the unwavering Julia-Levy. That is going to make for some pretty awesome DVD extras. Unless the secret information reveals the man underneath the 1,000 masks of Mil Mascaras, I do not see how it can help humanity. Julia-Levy will not specify the nature of the top secret information. He will not say if it has to deal with the end of the world, or with aliens or even the winning numbers of next week’s Megamillions Lottery drawing. The only way he is willing to share the secret with you and me is once your money is securely inside his pocket.

Can we really trust a man who claims to tell it how it is, when he cannot even tell us who he is? The man states that he is Raúl Julia’s son but you get the idea that he will dispute the outcome of the results if they do not come out in his favor. I could already see him blaming the cotton swab for suppressing the Julia genetic gene.

As much as his actions might disgust you, I for one, cannot blame him.

I have kept it under wraps for far too long, but now I can admit it: I am the illegitimate son of John F. Kennedy Jr. Yes, I am the man who can be referred to as “JFK Jr. Jr.” It’s a secret that has been under wraps for far too long. However I refuse to use my father’s good name or my grandfather’s better name or my great grandfather’s (adequate?) name in order to sell something as trivial as a movie. No, what I am selling is piece of mind. Along with that piece of mind, can I interest you in a Mayan pyramid scheme I am working on in order to finance another John Cusack movie. “Say Anything 2,” anyone?

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