My Husband Has A Second Family, Should I Take Him Back?

Dear Martha:

I’m in a very difficult situation, I need help. I have been married almost 15 years and it has been a nightmare. When I agreed to marry my husband, he told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship. But that it was over, he loved was me and wanted to forgive him. I agreed because I was in love with him.

Now we have two sons, 14 and 12 years old. We’ve separated twice over his infidelities; I found out that the last woman was the mother of his other child, that he never stopped seeing her, and bought her a house. I kicked him out. Now begs me to come back, tells me he loves me, his friends are telling me that I’m his number one. He wants me to forgive him because I’ve always been good to him.

What should I do? He has been crying so much for me.

— Married and Heartbroken

Dear Married and Heartbroken:

I think you have the answer, but it may be difficult to see. He’s been unfaithful for over 15 years and his former lover never disappeared. He says you’re number one, are you happy with being “number one?”

Even if you’re a good person and you forgive him, forgiveness does not mean people don’t take responsibility for their actions. I don’t think this is about forgiveness, this is about what you expect from your partner and what you want for your life.

You already know that forgiving him won’t change his behavior. The important thing is to ask yourself: How long will my husband keep cheating? Am I willing to live in a non-exclusive relationship? Does it affect my children to know their father has another family? Put yourself first, stop seeing yourself as the victim, that’s the first step in your personal recovery. Think of all the painful years you have lived through and ask yourself if you deserve a better life.