Superstar Vicente Fernandez Announces Rey-Tirement

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Mexican superstar Vicente Fernandez, El Rey de la Cancion Mexicana, announced his retirement from the music industry Thursday, culminating a career that spanned more than 90 years, nearly 100 offspring and more gold records than a conquistador’s wet dream.

Known to his adoring fans as Chente, Don Chente, Señor Chente, Mr. Chente and Sir Chentalot, Fernandez is the most recognizable Mexican singer in the world, and the only one who can be identified from Google Earth.

Beloved for his manly stage presence, seductive prowess and powerful voice, Fernandez was blessed with the ability to induce sonic pleasure in female fans from as far away as 30 feet merely by changing his vocal modulations.

Revered for classic ranchera renditions of Volver, Volver, Volare, Volare and  Mi cama es tu cama, the  iconic sombrero-clad singer announced his retirement to the world via a single Tweet from his sprawling Jalisco jideaway, Palo Fuerte, which simply read, “No quiero volver, volver, volver.”

It was all his fans needed, to know that a golden age defined by romantic, esquestrian gallantry and early 1970s masculinity, would be drawing to a close.

Chente said he will retire after multiple tours of Latin America, Spain, the U.S. and any planets still undiscovered, ending a by-then 12-decade career.  He won’t disappear completely, however.  He also announced plans to open a Mexican-themed casino in Las Vegas called “Guadalajara, Guadalajara.”

Fernandez was born in Jalisco, where his family lived just long enough for the young Vicente to master the Mexican art of romance. At the age of five, his family moved to Tijuana. At six he rode his first horse, and at the age of seven, he grew his first moustache.

By the time Fernandez was ten, he had worked every odd job imaginable to help his family survive and was a respected member of the Tijuana Odd Jobs Union.

A chance encounter with a striped donkey catapulted Fernandez on the road to superstardom. His first song, Mi caballito lerdo, became a national hit when Fernandez was only twelve.

By the time he was 23, Fernandez earned the title of  El Mas Grande, when compared with Ranchera icons Jose Alfredo Jimenez, Jose Negrete and Javier Solis, although this distinction had nothing to do with his music.

Fernandez told the Mexican station Televisa this week that he decided to say farewell to the stage when a reporter asked him at a press conference if he had ever considered retiring. Fernandez decided to retire at the that very moment. The reporter has since gone into hiding.

Fernandez said he would dedicate himself to his family and to spend more time with your wife. Also, he will dedicate himself to overseeing his black caterpillar farm in Northern Mexico. He has trained these amazing creatures to live on the raised area above his eyes.

“They live off of the sweat I generate during my live shows,” said Fernandez in a 2007 interview on Oprah, “and they make love to my forehead.”

On cue, Fernandez can command one to raise slightly, giving the singer the mischievous look that seduced so many women over the years.

The timing of Fernandez’s retirement will no doubt decimate Valentine’s Day record sales and create havoc among Latino-curious consumers looking for a sure fire hit for a successful romantic evening.

So important is Fernandez to Valentine’s Day that he is known as “the voice of a generation,” for more reasons than one.

Fernandez insider Beau Tazfinas said the famed crooner will eventually retire to his rancho, sire more children than Anthony Quinn and manage his popular Las Vegas casino, Guadalajara, Guadalajara.