I’ve Learned To Love Babies, Now I’m Waiting Until I’m Ready

Sometimes it amazes me how much we’re ruled by biology. When I was younger, I would blatantly ignore any babies that I saw. It wasn’t that I was trying to be  rude, it was totally subconscious, because I didn’t realize I was doing it. I’d run into someone with their baby, and as I walked away, I’d realize that I had not at all acknowledged their offspring. Babies bored me. If my mom tried to pass me someone’s child (particularly if the baby was ugly), I would involuntarily grimace, politely decline, and walk away.

In my mid-twenties, however, this began to change. Now I can’t look at babies without wanting to tell them how cute they are, ask them about their favorite foods, and tell them I’d like to put them in a taco and eat them (some babies find this pretty funny.) Sometimes it’s so annoying that I want to punch myself in the uterus.

So why not just go ahead and crank some out? 

Well mostly it’s because there are so many things I want to accomplish before I do. I am determined to make a career out of my writing, in some form or other, before I commit to motherhood and that’s something that I won’t compromise. Not only do I work full time, I spend the rest of my time cramming writing into my life. There is no room in my schedule for a child. Not only that, I refuse to have a baby while working at a place that only grants two weeks’ maternity leave. I don’t want to have a child, only to dump it at day care for nine hours of the day. That sounds painful and I really feel for mothers who have to do this. Unfortunately, our capitalist system is incredibly hostile towards motherhood.

I know many people say that if God blesses with you with a baby, you will find a way to make it work. But I personally don’t want to “make it work” in undesirable conditions. And thankfully, we live during a time in which we have access to highly effective birth control and I can decide for myself whether or not I want a child (though these rights are constantly threatened). I know many unexpected children are, in fact, blessings — but let’s be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that this is not often the case. For instance, I can’t imagine that a pregnancy for an extremely impoverished mother who can barely feed her existing children would actually be cause for celebration. There are so many other situations in which an unplanned pregnancy would be devastating.

I resent being called “selfish” for thinking this way about motherhood. I also don’t feel that I should have to  justify my reproductive choices to anyone — no woman should. What is truly selfish is having unwanted children and treating them like garbage. What I’m trying to do is create ideal conditions to raise a family. I want to be a self-actualized person before I even think of being responsible for another human being. I think that rather than being selfish, that this approach is actually logical and considerate to my potential child and the rest of the world. Biology does not have to be destiny. Meanwhile, I’ll just borrow some babies to hold me over.

[Photo By Julien Haler]

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