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Dear Martha,

I’m very sad, my husband — who I love very much — is an alcoholic. We have a two year-old daughter and this last holiday season, he became very intoxicated. I kicked him out of the house, because I couldn’t tolerate his behavior any longer.

I’m suffering a lot and I’m afraid to fall into a trap of taking him back, even though he won’t change. I come from a very dysfunctional family and I don’t want to repeat the cycle. What should I do?

— Painfully in Love

Dear Painfully in Love,

I know you’re going through a really hard time; alcoholism doesn’t just affect the alcoholic, but the entire family. If he comes back, he will continue to drink. I suggest that you two start Alcoholics Anonymous therapy for him, and Al-Anon for you.

You have to remember that, if someone is sick, their entire family will get sick. In the event that he does not want to attend, you should still consider going to the meetings, they could help you understand that this disease is progressive, degenerative and deadly.

If you come from a family where things were difficult, it’s good for you to decide not to repeat those same patterns, and more than anything, to give yourself the chance to create a safe, loving and united family.

— Martha

[Photo By Katie Tegtmeyer]

It seems that everyone in my social circle is getting engaged or married, which has forced my boyfriend and me to finally discuss this whole marriage business. I always vaguely envisioned marriage in my future, but in having to actually discuss it concretely, I realized how many hangups I have. See, I am very happy for everyone getting hitched these days. We are all in our late 20s, and it’s simply part of the natural progression of things. But when discussing the matter, the words “engagement,” “marriage,” and “husband” felt so terrible in my mouth.

I love my boyfriend deeply. We’ve been together for over four years now and we’ve been living together for one and a half. I can’t imagine anyone better for me. We get along, we have similar interests, we respect each other, and we have fun together. I simply cannot imagine ever being with anyone else. My hesitation has nothing to do with the relationship itself, but by my skewed notions of what marriage is.

One reason I felt hesitant is because of my career (or lack there of). We are both struggling writers — very dedicated to our craft and absolutely determined to be recognized for it. (Our love of poetry is what brought us together, in fact.) In my mind, for some reason, I thought I would have a book published or at least have a decent job before getting married. But as one married couple pointed out to us — what does your career have to do with getting married?  Not much, it turns out.

It always seemed to me that marriage was a burden— full of compromises, drudgery, and quiet despair, which I realize is unfair. It’s just that I’ve seen so many unhappy couples who don’t even seem to like each other anymore. Many people also seem to lose their sense of self because they become consumed by their spouse and children. But as I think more deeply about this, I also know happily married people who keep their individuality, still like each other, and have an active social life. Also, there are plenty of miserable single people in the world. If my boyfriend and I have never been dull people who accept mediocrity, why would we ever be?

I think I may have also watched one too many episodes of “Bridezillas.” Our cultural obsession with weddings is really bizarre to me and so the idea of epic, opulent weddings make me recoil with disgust. The narcissism, the materialism, the self-importance — all too much for me to stomach. We personally don’t have several thousand dollars to blow on one day. But upon further reflection, I realize that neither one of us is fancy, showy, or materialistic. Our wedding would be a cheap and Mexican affair — I imagine it in a tent or barn with a menu of Mexican street foods and several kegs of beer. It would be loud, fun, economical.

The idea of getting married also made me feel old. It conjured up images of old geezers watching “American Idol” and bickering about taxes. I thought getting married was for the ancient and that those who got married young were foolish. I am 27, but I still feel the same kind of exuberance I did at 21. I feel young because I’m still incredibly hopeful and idealistic in some ways. I would move to a different city or country at the drop of a hat if a good opportunity presented itself. I am adventurous, impulsive, and passionate. (My boyfriend is as well, which is why we make a good match.) I realized this would also not change if we got married. Duh.

I’m so glad I was finally forced to examine why exactly the idea of getting hitched caused me such panic and a mild case of nausea. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought as I contemplated the idea of becoming a wife. The terminology sounded so oppressive! But now I realize that marriage is what you want it to be and not some prescribed relationship. My boyfriend and I are not conventional people. We will never move to the suburbs. We won’t ever lose our individuality. We won’t ever lead lives of quiet despair. And that’s the kind of team I can definitely belong to.

[Photo By TIFFANY DAWN NICHOLSON (TDNphoto)]

Dear Martha,

I’m so scared. I love my partner but my partner confessed that he has a disease that is degenerative and eventually can not bear children. I love him very much and I do not want to leave him, but my dream has always been to have a family. I’d like to hear your advice.

— Hopeful Future Mother

Dear Hopeful Future Mother,

You didn’t tell me what the disease was, and whether it would only leave him sterile. If he will continue to be healthy and capable of caring for a family, you can contemplate other options, such as: adoption, artificial insemination, and other alternatives available in this country.

If you think that he’s the love of your life, and that you’re going to be able to tackle this with maturity and love, you have no reason to separate. You haven’t really told me other information, such as your age, how long you have been together, how bad this disease could get, etc.

The first thing I suggest is that you seek professional help, so that the decision you make is well informed and you don’t have regrets or blame each other. That’s why there’s the saying, “El amore todo lo puede,” or “All you need is love.”

[Photo By www.photographybyjoelle.com]

I’ve always wondered if little girls really fantasize about their wedding day. I’ve never known a woman who actually did this. When I was a little girl, I mostly fantasized about the Muppet Babies and the pizza on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In fact, I still do. I didn’t really think about marriage or weddings in high school either because I was too busy listening to Tori Amos and crying in my room.

I don’t hate weddings. I’m actually looking forward to a few nuptials in the next few months. I also have a boyfriend that I hope to marry one day if he can get past my hostility against household organization and lids in general. I’m not that much of a curmudgeon. I believe in love! I’m just grossed out by our culture’s obsession with weddings.

Even in this terrible economy, people still spend massive amounts of money on weddings. According The Knot, in 2010 the average wedding cost $26,984. Maybe that’s not a lot of money for some people, but I would be able to pay off most of my student loans with that sum. I just can’t understand why anyone would ruin their finances for one single day. And if the show Bridezillas has taught us anything, it’s that brides will sometimes abuse their friends and families while pursuing their princess fantasies.

Instead of investing so much time and money into such frivolousness, I wonder why these awful women (and sometimes men) don’t invest in becoming better human beings instead. Bridalplasty, I believe, is the worst of this genre; it honestly made me physically ill. All these shows perpetuate the notion that women stupidly pine for this day their entire lives. They make people believe that they need lavish weddings and extreme plastic surgery to be valid human beings. But really, these shows only exist to sell you more stuff.

Here are some ways I will do to make my wedding easier:

• In lieu of a gown, I think I may just wear a barrel. It will save money and it will show off some curves.
• For music I will have a group of elementary school kids playing the recorder.
• For dinner I will hand out cans of Vienna sausages. You will have to bring your own can opener.
• To avoid any drama or hurt feelings, my maid of honor will be a pigeon.

I loved the movie Bridesmaids because it highlighted how absurd the wedding business really is.  I wish for more movies like this. Not all women dream about getting married. I certainly never did. Some women dream about bettering themselves and growing as human beings. Some dream about careers and raising polite and compassionate children. Some dream of producing a Broadway musical based on the hit show Perfect Strangers. Some might just dream of one day getting kicked out of an all-you-can-eat buffet. What the hell do I know? I just wish TV and film would stop focusing on this tired princess fantasy.

[Photo By cherie6c, sans laser eyes]

• Don’t let it get you down. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to deal with the attacks that come from prejudice.  Always make time to remember the good and try not to dwell too much on the negative.  Those who launch the attacks would prefer to keep you down and feeling hopeless, don’t give them the chance.  Try to keep the positive on your mind and acknowledge those who are open to your differences.

• Forgive, but don’t forget. Protect yourselves from future attacks by putting distance between yourselves and the aggressors.  This isn’t something that you need to feel guilty for.  You don’t deserve the abuse and to show you care about yourself, your relationship and your children, you must set boundaries with family and friends to let them know that you won’t stand for their emotionally abusive behavior.  This step is critical in keeping the negative from overtaking your lives.  So don’t forget to put your family first and protect your future sanity!

• Don’t disrespect each other. In spite of all the negative those outside your relationship try to make you believe about each other, never stop respecting each others’ culture, language, religion, etc. …and NEVER use racial slurs or put downs…even in a heated argument.  You see how hurt you and your spouse/partner have been hurt by others, why be like them?  I know that it’s hard to block out the hurtful things that you’ve heard, but you can’t continue in love with all that negative thinking going on up there…so get rid of it!  If you are to overcome all the challenges of an interracial relationship, you have to be united as a couple and as a family.  Don’t let the stress and negativity build barriers between you.

• Learn to appreciate the differences. Taking an interest in each other’s cultural heritage shows your commitment to each other and helps you both to realize that you are fully accepted by your spouse/partner.  This is so crucial for interracial couples, because when everyone else in the world is ganging up on you, you’ll know that you have the full support of your spouse on your side.  It’s also an important part of allowing both partners in the relationship to retain their cultural identity.  There has to be a balance of both cultures in your home in order to respect each other’s cultural identities and heritage.

• Know the facts. When you find others attacking you, know how to handle each attack and present the evidence to show them why they’re wrong.  If you want to improve the relationship between you and those attacking you, education is the only way.  By combating ignorance with education, you allow the individual to see the other side of the story.  Learn where the stereotypes come from, the history behind the culture and be prepared with responses that demonstrate the truth.  Learn to think, speak and act with power and knowledge, instead of anger.

• Educate your children. Don’t ever be afraid to teach your children about their dual heritage.  There’s nothing wrong with having a second language or dual identity.  In fact, if you do teach your children about their heritage, they will have the means to defend themselves when others question their cultural identity.  Not to mention the insight that a child of dual identity possesses.  Biracial children are far more likely to be understanding of individuals’ differences and have an expanded world view of other cultures.

Chantilly Patiño writes the blog Bicultural Mom, follow her on Facebook and Twitter @biculturalmom.