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Bachelor parties are social institutions that have been around since the first caveman hunted down the first wooly mammoth and decided it would be nice if someone decided to get naked dance around his accomplishment. I think I saw in a documentary that all the cavemen would lock themselves in the main hall of their buffalo lodges, watching a young lady slink out of her saber tooth tiger loin cloth. All the while their cavewives remained at home none the wiser. Then again, it might have not been a documentary but rather a Flintstones episode I made up in my head.

One of my closest friends is getting married. I have known this individual for more than 20 years. We went to middle school together and now he is going to be walking down the altar in a couple of weeks. Although I am happy for him, I am hesitant to show much expression, because I know what is coming around the bend. I know that bachelor party is looming large. There is something that hides deep inside my chromosomes that does not allow me to socially adapt to bachelor parties. The invitation is creeping around in the inbox of my email and I have yet to respond.

There is a good chance that I will end up going because I do not have a good enough reason for not going.

Let me state for the record, that I do not begrudge anyone for having bachelor parties. Everyone is entitled to their own prerogative. I am simply stating that I have social anchors that bring me down. I usually stand in the corner and choke down my fair share of refreshments while the rest of the attendees make a circle around the so-called “entertainment.” I cannot function properly within that circle and high-five the men to the left and to my right. I have been in the circle, and the men chastised me for looking at the young lady in the eye rather than in the everywhere else.

I do not belong in the circle because I do not know how to act accordingly – I make too much eye contact.

Yes, I have attended a handful of bachelor parties in the past, and they only left me blushing. In my younger days I felt that strippers were simply good-looking panhandlers because all they wanted from me was either a drink or money. I ask them questions like “Why?” or “Howcome?” I have yet to develop that strip club etiquette where you can simply tell someone to buzz off or ignore them like they do not even exist. I simply engage in too much awkward conversation — especially during a lap dance. I just think that I should know where someone went to high school or their favorite color when they decide to make my lap their second home.

I do not hate strippers or their career choice. They know what they are doing. I am the one who is a fish out of water. I am that guy who stands there with a $20 dollar bill asking them if they can make change for it, even after they have already taken it. In all honesty, I would much rather go to a funeral instead of a bachelor party. At least at funeral there is an established etiquette. There are established limits and you do not need a human gorilla sitting in the corner establishing the limits for you. There is no need to buy drinks. There is no need to make change when change is too busy making you.

[Photo By momoko]

Dear Martha,

I am writing because I am desperate, in a few months I will be getting married. What should be months of joy and excitement have become torture. I started my relationship very much in love and filled with illusion. Then I started feeling my boyfriend became possessive and jealous, I didn’t pay much attention to this since I believed that was what love felt like. Now I have been discovering many things about his past, when he mistreated and brought hurt and unhappiness to many. People around me have warned me about him, what the future holds for me, but I feel very pressured because our engagement has been announced and is now official. I feel breaking it off would be accepting I failed. I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,

— Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

If what you are going through now is causing you pain and disappointment, can you imagine what will happen when you get married? Why do you think this story will get any better? Would you rather face the truth now, or a painfull separation later? Within you lay all the answers, what society or anyone has to say about it must not be what you care about. What you should care about is yourself and your happiness. It is clear that this person wont make you happy. Face your reality, but most of all fight for a happy future. Married or not, you are worth a lot and deserve joy, peace and well being.

[Photo By slgckgc]

I’ve always wondered if little girls really fantasize about their wedding day. I’ve never known a woman who actually did this. When I was a little girl, I mostly fantasized about the Muppet Babies and the pizza on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In fact, I still do. I didn’t really think about marriage or weddings in high school either because I was too busy listening to Tori Amos and crying in my room.

I don’t hate weddings. I’m actually looking forward to a few nuptials in the next few months. I also have a boyfriend that I hope to marry one day if he can get past my hostility against household organization and lids in general. I’m not that much of a curmudgeon. I believe in love! I’m just grossed out by our culture’s obsession with weddings.

Even in this terrible economy, people still spend massive amounts of money on weddings. According The Knot, in 2010 the average wedding cost $26,984. Maybe that’s not a lot of money for some people, but I would be able to pay off most of my student loans with that sum. I just can’t understand why anyone would ruin their finances for one single day. And if the show Bridezillas has taught us anything, it’s that brides will sometimes abuse their friends and families while pursuing their princess fantasies.

Instead of investing so much time and money into such frivolousness, I wonder why these awful women (and sometimes men) don’t invest in becoming better human beings instead. Bridalplasty, I believe, is the worst of this genre; it honestly made me physically ill. All these shows perpetuate the notion that women stupidly pine for this day their entire lives. They make people believe that they need lavish weddings and extreme plastic surgery to be valid human beings. But really, these shows only exist to sell you more stuff.

Here are some ways I will do to make my wedding easier:

• In lieu of a gown, I think I may just wear a barrel. It will save money and it will show off some curves.
• For music I will have a group of elementary school kids playing the recorder.
• For dinner I will hand out cans of Vienna sausages. You will have to bring your own can opener.
• To avoid any drama or hurt feelings, my maid of honor will be a pigeon.

I loved the movie Bridesmaids because it highlighted how absurd the wedding business really is.  I wish for more movies like this. Not all women dream about getting married. I certainly never did. Some women dream about bettering themselves and growing as human beings. Some dream about careers and raising polite and compassionate children. Some dream of producing a Broadway musical based on the hit show Perfect Strangers. Some might just dream of one day getting kicked out of an all-you-can-eat buffet. What the hell do I know? I just wish TV and film would stop focusing on this tired princess fantasy.

[Photo By cherie6c, sans laser eyes]